Throw Back Wednesday: Amsterdam Musings and Photos from almost 15 yrs ago1

I lived (off and on) in Amsterdam almost 12-15 years ago and just found these photos somewhere. I rarely discuss this part of my life, as it was kind of a darkly depressing and traumatic time for me… but it wasn’t always. There are always some lovely things that spring from even the darkest moments in life.

The above was my theme song for my time there. I’d sit in the office, work on the computer, and stare out the window at the gray, dreary skies while this played.

I missed my children so much.

The person I lived with was a hand full. Very kind and accommodating, yet neurotic and untrustworthy. I felt like I was simply a person to fill their self-imposed agenda- they had a time limit, a goal before they turned 40 and thought I was it.

I wasn’t.

They also had addiction problems, which I was not equipped to deal with at all. I stayed far longer than I should… but I was this person’s friend, above all, and felt like I needed to. My Aquarian bits cannot stand seeing folks in that sort of pain, even if it pains me. My mother LOVED this person SO much, sometimes I felt there was some kind of karmic debt I had to burn off (yes, I believe in this sort of thing).

I could not and would not be the person they desired. I knew this. I also knew it was reciprocal.

I also knew that it was a pain in the ass witnessing the philandering that went on behind my back at a steady rate. I am NOT a submissive woman and am not okay with that sort of thing.

For those who don’t know what I do for a living, amongst other things, I have been a professional psychic for over 25 years. I have always had a weird and unconventional lifestyle, which has always been a blessing.

I did massive amounts of readings for this person, whose natural outlook tended to be gloom and doom. I even predicted the names and genders of their future children- which delights me now, since they have been born in the interim and are lovely. I saw the person they would end up with- and it came to pass, again, to my absolute joy.

I introduced this person to the stuff I loved, like genealogy and antiques and my general hippie dippy weirdness… they intro’d me to finer living, good food, and the darker side of psychological pain and addiction. They made me feel safe in their chaos and opened my eyes to things I had no knowledge of prior.


it actually started in London- outside of Hampton Court Castle- I met someone who had been annoying the shit outta me for years

In the end, I realized that I prefer a more sedate and quiet lifestyle. I had no desire, once I tasted it, for anything more than a piece of dirt, a garden, and a boring life.

Their desires were so much grander, which fit them.

I am so happy that this person fulfilled their soul path. I was always worried that they’d hurt themselves before they had the chance to. I honestly think that this person was my child/sibling/parent in past lives. That was the sort of relationship we had at a core level.

Above all, I am so RELIEVED that I did not stay and that they found their love, like I have with R and Maisie. She is glamorous and beautiful and smart. I enjoy her posts on Instagram. Their kids have the names that I SAW and told him about so many years ago and are absolutely gorgeous. It gives me great happiness and peace of mind to know that things worked out as it should have.

This person had such a HOLE in his soul where family should be, way back when. I come from a huge family, so it bothered me that he should feel such a loss and disconnection. I think I filled that place in this person’s being for the short time I was there. I truly believe that our friends ARE family, at least at one time or another, and we have an obligation to give of ourselves when folks need us.

I think this was where all the junkies used to pace

I think this was where all the junkies used to pace

(Which I guess is why I am still close friends with all my exes- you can’t UN-family someone. You can just recycle the relationship and be cool about it. Thank GOD I am triple Aquarius lol)

Life is such a mystery and a blessing. It can be fucking depressing, too, when you’re going through the thick of it.

I have never been able to actually articulate this until now- it’s taken over a dozen years. I am glad I was able to write about this now.

I have probably never been as depressed as I was back then- not before and not since.

I loved taking photos of doorways when I lived in Amsterdam- and architecture

I loved taking photos of doorways when I lived in Amsterdam- and architecture

gray is how I always remember this city, even when the flowers were in bloom

gray is how I always remember this city, even when the flowers were in bloom


I loved the little streets


can’t remember what this was


typical scene


around the corner from where my fave English breakfast place was


old architecture and new


shopping- so early 2000s!

One of my FAVORITE little sandwich/broodje shops in A’dam was Van Dobben:


I don’t look very happy here


I loved loved the filet americain

I thought this was hilarious

I thought this was hilarious


Walking away photos


yeah, I’m bowlegged


9 thoughts on “Throw Back Wednesday: Amsterdam Musings and Photos from almost 15 yrs ago1

  1. It takes a lot of guts to write about something or someone who hurt us in the past. Time heals all wounds, they say. We won’t be where we are now if we didn’t lose them. One way or another, we were meant to cross paths with people who were not meant to stay. For what it’s worth, we became better version of ourselves because of them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • honestly, what prompted me to write this/face this part of my life is that sometimes I see his poor wife post depression posts on her Instagram and it propels me instantly back into that space I thought I had long forgotten. I have so much empathy for that girl. I don’t think she knows who I am and I am ok with this. I feel protective about her, because I had no one to turn to nor talk to when I was in it myself- but I would never say anything to her about it.

      These are bits of me that I hid away for years. This guy had me hostage with his persistence and guilt making. It colored everything, everything.

      When I finally left, it was one of the most empowering things I’ve ever experienced.


    • here are the things that made me angriest about him:

      He continued to contact me after her- mostly, to show her off, which I understood- to show off the kids, which made me feel very happy… he survived and got clean, which was a huge relief. This woman (and I keep wanting to call her ‘poor girl’, because at my deepest level, I can’t imagine having to live with him for years and years- his depression and neurosis nearly did me in and I am super strong) really transformed his life for the better.

      However, it pissed me off how secretive he was with her- like he was with ME and the women he contacted behind MY back. His Dutch culture, at it’s core, has little respect for fidelity.

      Also, she is very driven in her career, which is a public one. He wanted ME to do the same- to live vicariously, to be a Svengali- and have a trophy Goddess. There was a certain shallowness, desperation to his methods. You always felt like you were lacking, at least I did- because HE ALWAYS FELT something was lacking in HIM.

      He had a super fucked up upbringing. His father, whom he later discovered was not his bio dad, was a narcissist and cruel to him. I personally liked his dad, we always got on well. This guy wanted MORE from his life, wanted to become someone- and I believe he did.

      His sense of fragility kind of seeped into my own soul. I couldn’t save him, he was a brat, he instigated some huge emotional rows- and I wasn’t mature enough at the time to understand this. We were both 2 stunted, overgrown children playing at being grownups and failing miserably.

      One of the side effects of this chapter in my life is that I did the best writing, best poetry, best everything that requires lots of angst and emotion.

      Whew! I am glad that’s over with! LOL.

      Yes, I loved him, but not in the way that one would think. I truly had this connection with him that was familial and codependent. I felt responsible.

      I feel like a creepy stalker when I go on his wife’s Instagram, but it makes me so happy that she has the children and a glamorous life.

      I feel extra protective about her because a few years ago, after her kids were born, he had the BALLS to contact me and bitch about how old she was looking, how she’d gained weight- and I FELT SO FUCKING FURIOUS WITH HIM. How DARE he criticize this poor woman who birthed his much wanted babies?!

      He is the one who gave me her name and sites to look up.

      She’s lost the weight, become INCREDIBLY jet set and successful, and now I sit back her biggest fan and hope she makes him eat his words daily…

      Above all, I hope he’s learned kindness and self-kindness and doesn’t fuck this up.


    • re how his relationship with his future (current) wife would turn out:

      Doesn’t take psychic skills to figure that one out.

      I found out that during OUR relationship he had been begging/cheating/messing around with a couple friends of mine.

      I’m old fashioned, I believe ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’. I just hope I am wrong.

      This girl deserves much more. Luckily, she has his balls in a sling by having these kids and I am SO glad. I hope she cracks that whip hard and OFTEN.


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