We missed #WorldSelfieDay Yesterday, so Maisie and I (and my son) made up for it today lol
UPDATE: LOST 14 LBS IN 6 DAYS!
I decided to water fast again because I’ve attempted and failed so much lately since being diagnosed with my female issues.
I still haven’t heard back yet from the oncologist to see if my first biopsy was malignant or benign, so it’s a bit nerve-wracking.
I am doing this primarily for spiritual reasons- this year has been incredible intense, with some negative things that I am not used to. I also gained 20 lbs since coming back from California in March, so that is also a motivator. It’s been really difficult for me to stay keto lately… I tend to eat my feelings, even if I am generally pretty active. My activity level has also plummeted in the last month.
Doc says my uterus is enlarged to the size of a 3-4 month pregnancy at the moment, so this probably also has a lot to do with my weight gain issues and bloating.
Mostly, I want my body to heal itself before my surgery and I want to reset my immune system.
Water fasting, from my previous experiences, has always been the best way to regenerate yourself.
I am a huge believer in intermittent fasting, cleanses, juice fasts, and the most extreme version: water fasting. In the past, I’ve gone up to 40 days on various cleanses, multiple times, and kept my autoimmune disorders in check by diet and fasting alone.
A word of caution: if you are prone to eating disorders or are already too skinny to begin with- I don’t recommend you do this.
I have never in my life been ‘too thin’, as I am naturally muscular and more prone to gaining a few pounds if I don’t keep a strict eye on myself, but I’ve always been able to drop weight when needed as well.
It’s getting more difficult the older I get, so the activity had to be adjusted to match my infernal appetites (I eat like a farmhand).
Periodic and intermittent fasts are a great way for the body to rest, heal, restore. It’s also almost spiritual and relaxing for me.
I started my fast on 12 June 2018, after seeing pictures of myself at my son’s high school graduation. Yikes!
I will be keeping this as a journal and not posting this until it is completed… so here goes:
DAY 1 (JUNE 12) IDK how much I weighed on the 12th, but last week when I was at the doctor, I was 20 lbs heavier than when I left San Diego in March. Experienced some intense headaches at night. I am not typically prone to headaches. Wasn’t very hungry.
Imbibed 130 ounces of liquid. Got just a tad over 10k steps for the day and 62 minutes of exercise.
DAY 2 (JUNE 13) DOWN 7 LBS FROM MY DRS OFFICE VISIT LAST WEEK OVERNIGHT!!! I realize I didn’t lose that much, obviously, but I will take it. Woke up with a crazy caffeine withdrawal headache. Felt good mostly, but tired and had to nap. Spent most of the day in and out of bed.
Was starting to get hungry from watching all the Anthony Bourdain memorial shows. I honestly DO NOT RECOMMEND that you watch food shows or read about food during the first days of your water fast.
Drank 124 ounces of liquids. Did 50 squats with a band. Got 11k steps on the Fitbit and 52 minutes of exercise.
DAY 3 (JUNE 14) down 2 MORE LBS this morning- 11 lbs away from my California weight.
Today I was a bit dizzy and out of sorts, but spent it scrubbing and cleaning my porch. That is a lot of work- plus we repainted furniture, painted some new art, cleaned the inside of her playhouse and bleached it… then I made a little bed for her and Filipino style kulambo mosquito net from scratch out of pink and purple tulle.
I wasn’t able to hit my 10k steps, but I don’t give a shit because I worked my tail off. I actually don’t know how I didn’t hit my step goal, I barely stopped moving today. I will be super sore tomorrow.
I am not going to lie- today sucked, especially the evening. I laid in bed and was SO hungry for the first time since the fast began. Will definitely be staying away from Anthony Bourdain episodes tonight.
Drank 120 ounces of liquids. Did 40 squats, with and without a band. 8500 steps, which is far below my usual Fitbit count. I also found my old mini-trampoline rebounder and set it up for Maisie- we spent a lot of time bouncing on that thing- which is good for the lymphatic system.
DAY 4 (JUNE 15) down another 2 lbs (total since drs appt, which is probably not accurate, is 11lbs less than my drs appt last week).
Had a bit of a headache when I woke, but slept an entire 8+ hours, which is unheard of! Spent most of my sleep state dreaming, dreaming, dreaming. I love dreaming, for the most part. I guess everyone does.
I haven’t had any BMs since embarking on this journey, so I took some potassium and magnesium today. My uterus is laying on my bowel, which is another reason for it to have to come out, so I already have issues. Let me just say- the potassium and magnesium worked a little bit too well. It actually interfered with my day, lol. While I was pleased that I was no longer clogged up, I was not happy with the repeated running to and fro the loo.
Feeling good so far, going to work outside today (can you tell, I update this journal haphazardly? I just post my daily updates to this fast journal as it happens or after)
-Endometrial biopsy of my uterine lining came back negative for cancer!
That being said, they still want to go ahead with the hysterectomy, as I have severe adenomyosis- and they still have to actually biopsy the rest of my tubes and uterus as well, once removed.
I am not looking forward to the 2 month recovery time. Hoping this fast helps get me down to my pre-MI weight, so I can recover without gaining.
-I am finding myself to be more tired as the day wears on, even though I haven’t gotten out of bed and it’s 2 pm already. I am also a bit hungry- was hoping this would go away soon.
As the day wore on, realized hunger wasn’t abating. Everywhere I looked- food or food references. I was scared I would break. I didn’t. I also didn’t eat the neighbors, children, relatives- and much to his regret, R.
The idea of going to bed at 8 pm sounded really great, but I had to get 10k steps today, minimum. I missed my step goal yesterday and I hate not meeting my goals.
All that being said, today sucked by the evening. Probably worst day so far on fast. Lots of detoxing. This ain’t my first rodeo- I know if I push through, I will hit the sweet spot. It’s just getting through the detox phase that really blows the most.
Imbibed 120 ounces of liquid. Did 50 squats minus the band. Gardened ALL day. Got about 13,500 steps on Fitbit and 69 minutes of cardio.
Front #garden almost tidied for #summer – now to do the rest! #gardening #organicgardening #diy #gardenart #growfoodnotlawns #japanesemaple #swmi #michigan #puremichigan #lakemichigan #summertime #rockgarden #firepit #rose #roses #roses🌹 #heirlooms #hammock #hammocklife #bottletree #playhouse #star #w#enohammock
DAY 5 (JUNE 16) lost another 2 lbs– back in CA range- 13 lbs gone so far! I look thinner because I am not lifting weights, though. I will gain at least 5 lbs back after I go back to keto, but regular IF should keep the weight loss and good benefits humming along.
My REM sleep has been off-the-charts since starting my fast. It is so nice to sleep now. I sleep MORE at night now that I am fasting, which is a great thing.
Woke up hungry, again. Am waiting for that blissful loss of hunger part of the program. It usually kicks in by now. Blah
Later, was not really hungry, but super tired in the afternoon. Having trouble getting my steps and getting my work done. I am detoxing heavily and really need a nap. I may have to take it easy on myself today, but I have houseguests coming in a week and I need to get this house cleaned.
Discovered that LaCroix key lime tastes exactly like key lime pie if you haven’t eaten in 5 days- and not just like bubbly water a key lime pie farted into.
Today was foyer day (yeah, I have a huge 106 yr old house)- I cleaned the LL Bean Waterhog mat, with the help of Miss Maisie and youtube tutorials- and we scrubbed and polished woodwork and mopped. My three year old LOVES to help clean. I loathe cleaning, but soldier on because of her joy in doing it.
The guys also helped, when I decided I could no longer stand and needed a bit of a nap, just before 7 pm… which lasted til 8:30 pm.
I am really thinking of breaking this fast early and going back to intermittent fasting and keto. I have been detoxifying really hard- this is probably the most intense fast I’ve ever done in my entire life. I feel so weak tonight, like I am dying. I know if I power through this, it will be ok. Still, if I quit before 10 days, this is still the longest fast I’ve done in years. It’s all good.
I think part of it is my inability to allow myself to rest- my brain says ‘get those steps’, when my body says ‘lay down, damn it, and REST’. What usually made for successful fast before (pre-fitbit) were days and days of allowing myself to lay in bed and ride it out.
Here are links to the stages of fasting:
Tomorrow is Father’s Day and R is enticing me to quit this by offering to make low carb enchiladas (a dish I never had in my life til this year) and a big breakfast.
I am now torturing myself and fast by watching “Parts Unknown”. I adored Bourdain. He was a snarky asshole and his shows were charming. I am a snarky asshole foodie, so he appealed to me even more, in the way people recognize their tribes.
Tonight’s episode is from season 8, with Eric Ripert- a Sichuan odyssey of burning spices and cultural musings- and sadistic torture of Ripert by Tony, which I love the most.
One can almost imagine the hellacious heartburn and anal ring burner after these men consume staggering amounts of chili pepper flavored foods. It MAY keep me on my fast, after all.
Imbibed 124 ounces of liquid. Did 0 squats today- screw that. Cleaned foyer like a madwoman. Got about 10,500 steps on Fitbit and 52 minutes of cardio.
DAY 6 (JUNE 17) Lost another 1 lb- so down 14 lbs in 6 days. Going to call it quits today and get back to intermittent fasting and keto.
I expect to gain back 3-4 lbs once I start eating, but short IF will keep it off and get weight lower.
I love how much thinner I look and feel when I wake up. Indeed, even with the annoying bouts of dizziness, I feel pretty damned good on the whole- when I am not in crazy detox mode. I am not much for letting myself get ‘too thin’, but the bits of me that harbors a lot of pride in my looks enjoys it when I am curvy and feel sexy and fit.
Aging, for me, hasn’t been a huge issue psychologically. I feel stronger and clearer the older I get. I am certainly happier, with more joie de vivre. I like the evolution of my face, the character of it. The increasing innocence that has crept in since Maisie’s birth.
However, I have to maintain a certain weight to feel my best- and that is generally 140-150 lbs. Any less and I look emaciated. I am built like a brick shit house French pony- muscular and strong. Thank goodness. I eat like a farmhand usually and move as much as I can possibly muster.
Fasting is amazing, even with it’s drawbacks and psychological tortures.
TOMORROW, I will hopefully do a short 2 day fast, then ease back to the 1 day one, 1 day off intermittent thing combined with keto.
I only have 5 lbs to lose to get to the CA lowest weight- and 15 to get to pre-preggo weight.
I’ve been heavier than I was before the kid for nearly 4 yrs now, so I’m not sweating it as much. I like the way I look.
It is more important to FEEL good, in my opinion. Healthy is what I am aiming for.
“I’m too old for this bullshit”
At least that’s what I say
While muttering under my breath
Judging the other old broad
Who is simply clinging to dreams
Long since shattered by genes
and other people’s opinions…
“I am too old for this bullshit”
I keep telling myself these lies
While I, too, am just as insecure
Aging not as fast as the other bird
But clinging fast to a pipedream
Fostered by hard work
and expensive fucking fillers…
“We are both frauds, you and I”
I will say I’m almost 50
while I pop my heart meds
and stare at my smooth face
in the mirror
made deceptively young
while my insides rot away
like everybody else’s…
“We are both frauds, you and I”
Hiding your real birthday
popping your pills
photoshopping your wrinkles
made deceptively young
while your soul rots away
with your own delusions…
But the biggest truth this old bitch can spew:
I am still glad I am nothing quite like you
That, too, is fraudulent,
we’re both the same
The only difference
Lies in our pain.
UPDATE: HER ‘GAP LAWYER’ WAS A STOCK PHOTO- NICE TRY. SHE USED A ROYALTY FREE STOCK PHOTO TO THREATEN ME THIS TIME.
Saw an UNKNOWN call come in on the phone. It was the actress.
We recorded it all.
Basically, the summary:
I had to tell her that it was less about credits & more about the actual THREATS:
ONE SIMPLY DOES NOT HAVE strangers call and threaten to fly to Amereeeeeca and attack someone/their family.
She simpered “Why did you write that?”
Me: “We NEVER have strangers call others & threaten to attack them in their homes”
S: “WHY DID YOU WRITE THIS, WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?”
Me: “Please re-read manuscript”
LATER, I receive THIS email:
She is now having sales ladies from the Gap attack & serve me with legalese.
Things must be mighty bad in the movie industry if her legal representation works in retail.
Since I saved and screenshot-ted everything she wrote- and video’d all the calls, with witnesses in the room, go ahead. Send you legal reps from Dollar Tree next.
Also, though I am not one to talk, Tilly ought to use spellcheck.
So… I wrote a screenplay as a favor to a former admirer’s 50 yr old actress wife. I find out later that she was supposed to actually write it herself for Cannes, but she was too busy with her 27 yr old Dutch trailer park lover and his drugs/baby mama probs to write it.
Oh, and I was instructed to not let anyone know she’d been born in 1968, instead of 1970, as her IMBD indicates. Growing old is a blessing, but I digress…
By “admirer”, y’all know what I mean. He had been a good friend, as well. I must’ve had an impact on him, he named his children the names I chose 20 yrs ago-I had no idea he’d been saddled with such a scary problem until much, much later…
She’d been talking to me off and on for a few years, I had no idea she even knew who I was. We followed each other on IG. I was simply friendly and interested in keeping with the niceties. Well, one day she discloses that she knows WHO I am and basically pukes out all her marital and personal problems to me.
I feel SO SORRY for the poor thing and she asks me to write a script for the 2018 Cannes Film Festival because ‘she can’t deal’ with the drama in her life and convinces me that her husband has heinously abused her/never loved her, which is the reason why he allows her to philander.
She tells me ‘they are basically separated, but the hubs is her only source of income’- plus, he CANNOT KNOW I wrote this for her (did I mention it was just days before the Film Festival? MADNESS) and gushes about this director who will be filming it- at the same time, dissing him for lack of as many padded IMDB credits as she has.
Oh, so the ‘actress’ suggests the topic of this screenplay- it is largely a vanity piece. She plays the victim of a cruel husband (which I believed at first) in a loveless marriage- and says the only stipulation she has is that I write a great f*ck scene for her with a sweet, young thang (male)- and it be under 10 pages #shortfilm
She gushes that I am a GREAT writer, she is a super brown noser- but, lemme tell ya, this AIN’T my best writing. It’s what you get in 3 days before Cannes… but I try to deliver, because I have two things I later discover she doesn’t have: #integrity and #workethic
As I write this screenplay, I started out feeling very sad and sympathetic towards her, but as I get to talk to her more, I realize “Damn, this chick is wacky”. The real picture becomes glaringly clear when she tells me that she f*cked her young lover in her marital bed one day and that her hubs discovered a used condom- she then accused the hubs of planting the condom.
I knew her hubs, he is NOT nasty like that. She’s admitted to drug use and to her lover being a junkie. She is smoking cigs, she says, for the first time in her 50 yrs- a pack a day- who DOES THIS?! IDK anyone who suddenly acquires a nicotine addiction at HER age. EVERY story she tells me in the wee hours, typed out in FB msgr, keeps getting weirder and weirder…
I enlist the help of another professional writer to do the love scene. I had a basic idea of how I wanted her to be ‘handled’, but the idea of having this crazy lady nekkid in my mind’s eye after the cray stuff she spewed turned my stomach- the writer did a fantastic job blocking and creating the sex scene-
So, other writer and I happily work on this fluff, gratis, btw- for an IMBD writing credit and because it sounded like a light, fun thing to do- and the phone calls and bizarre msgs from this actress continue to arrive in my inbox.
She sends me photos of some 20-something bikini clad baby mama of her boyfriend’s – she is scattered and won’t work on the writing with me- and all she talks about is her very messed up extracurricular love life.
They also set up the casting call BEFORE WE EVEN FINISHED WRITING THE SCRIPT.
Cannes day arrives and she shows up, after giving up a yachting party, to the filming, per eye witnesses ‘strung out of her mind and wasted’- plus A GOOD 10-15 YRS OLDER than her IG and other pics, due to her recent sudden weight loss. She seriously reminded one of a “Faces of Meth” article- so much so, that I was immediately informed by those doing the shoot- who were also in shock.
Apparently, she didn’t look like that the year prior at Cannes-
I hear from her and the director that they had tentatively cast the roles with working actors- but after arriving in Canne she suddenly decides TO WALK THE STREETS LOOKING TO REPLACE THEM WITH NEW CO STARS, because she didn’t like who the director originally had suggested. WTF?! Everything was based on who she found, drunkenly, sexually attractive- per her disjointed texts to me.
Fast forward to the end, it is shot in a record 7 HOURS, at which point she bombards IG and FB with excerpts from this ‘incredible epic film’… and she spends the rest of the film festival complaining to me on fb messenger, when I’d check in to see if she was still alive- that her husband didn’t give her more than 250 euros for the trip, she had only 60 euros left, and couldn’t afford to eat- but was living off the free champagne and begging male friends (including the co stars ‘discovered’ on the streets) for lodgings.
At this point, things get blurry. The filmmaker (who doesn’t speak French) asks me to translate what the French husband was saying in the opening scene on the telephone- the dude was speaking gibberish, nothing salvageable for the film… he wanted to salvage it by either a voiceover (I felt like doing this would turn out like a bad 1960’s Godzilla dub) or a musical score to ‘set the tone’, since the male ‘actors’ were not actually professional actors at all.
The actress continues with her weirdness once she is back home in Belgium. She sends me msgs from ‘friends’ of hers who are accusing her of stealing their work. She is obviously strung out and not all there. She gets super paranoid. Once she finds out that I was assisting the filmmaker with post-production, she lost her MIND.
She keeps offering “if we don’t like it” to remove us from the writing credits, even though I told her again and again that we want our credits no matter how it turned out. We send the script, as is, to the lawyers for copyright and published the Kindle version immediately. She was not pleased.
She twisted everything with the director, telling him WE WANTED to wrest control of this silly thing from them. She whined and gaslighted and manipulated. She would flatter, then cajole, then threaten me. That type of thing might work with other people, but Mama doesn’t play that.
Emotional terrorism is not cool.
I am currently going through a cancer health scare- and my sister currently has cancer as well.
A family member in CA was in a catastrophic motorcycle accident in December- I had been caring for them all winter in San Diego and am only back home in the midwest for my own health issues.
This writing project was supposed to simply be a nice little distraction, a way to create something positive and fun.
I did it for FREE. I DON’T need the money.
She had the nerve to infer that I was using my health issues as a way to take the spotlight from her and gain sympathy. I was shocked.
When I wrote today, in a group chat, that I forgave her for her transgressions and that an apology would be nice, or even that she should just come out and say what bugged her instead of twisting and turning people against each other, she flipped out.
She FINALLY OUTDID HERSELF TODAY:
S: “What’s your phone number?”
A screaming and slurring drunken French- speaking woman calls, not even the actress. She threatens me. I turn on the speaker phone so that the people in the room with me can hear as well.
CRAZY FRENCH CHICK (I believe her name is Marie- and she spoke in French accented English: “I am REEECH AND ‘AVE MONEEEY AND I WILL COME TO AMEREECA AND BEEEAT YOU UPPP, leave S alone”
Me (calmly and in French): “ Parle en français, madame- il y a un enfant ici et tu parles comme TRAILER TRASH”
(Translation:Speak English, madame, there is a child here and you sound like trailer trash)- I had a three year old in the room and these harpies couldn’t even do more than screech and hang up- it wasn’t even the actress, she used her friend to attack.
I tell the group chat with director and other writer what just transpired, and THEY CALL AGAIN, this time, I am able to video witnesses to this.
I tell the woman in French again to speak in French and they hang up when I do speak her language.
WHAT KIND OF CRAZY DOES THIS SH*T?!
I tell the group again what transpired, the actress leaves the chat in a huff and blocks me.
Later, I discovered that a long time friend of hers also received the same shabby treatment. She had, apparently, a reputation for promising film credits for her little vanity films and would steal the material for herself.
No, what we wanted is fair treatment. You don’t steal from those who are there to help you. Karma is a b*tch. Play nice, especially to your writers. Don’t be a grabby, greedy, thirsty passive-aggressive little c*nt. THIS is why you have no real friends. This is why ugly from the soul is showing on your face.
If people didn’t do as she asked (or implied), she’d play a victim.
If you push back, she attacks.
I feel badly for her husband and kids and the other innocents she’s hurt.
I don’t feel badly for writing this.
Someone has to stand up to this anti-feminist, disempowered, passive-aggressive, drug addled pseudo-bully.
I told her once: “You are the polar opposite of Me”– and I am ok with that.
She must hurt a lot in her skin to hurt others like this.
I say this because I have been blessed with ways of dealing with MY aggressions.
I am a healthier person in my ‘old age’
Also, my non-white self is NOT SCARED OF YOU or your little friends, who can’t be THAT rich if they can’t even lend you money for a hotel in Cannes.
I can’t even imagine a world where I’d have to beg or have sex written into a scene in order to get a man to want to do me. That alone left me gobsmacked.
Btw, here is the actual kindle link to the screenplay- I would not buy it, personally. Not our best work.