0

I haven’t been able to write or update about my mom, but here are some photos from today…

It is heartbreaking. I have no words. My son and I visited this afternoon.

Advertisements
0

Jess- 3 Days Post Cheat Day & 3 lbs Down: Keto Over 40- The Stress & Obese Teen Edition

Down another half pound since Monday morning- 161 lbs or about 3 lbs lost of cheat day weight (half)

11 lbs gone in 16 DAYS- down from 14 lbs in 12 days

Wearing my 26 yr old junior college sweatshirt and it fits!

It’s been a very stressful week. My 3 yr old is sick again with croup, my mother was just moved into assisted living, and other things like stress eating and exercise.

Trying to get my very overweight 19 yr old son with Aspergers into keto and yoga with me- very worried about his health. He is 5’10 and 276 now. Today will be his first day.

0

After Cheat Day Updates and 16 Hours With No Power– then a keto dinner

I am 1.5 lbs down from the 5.5-5 lbs I gained after Sunday. I won’t lie, I am a bit disappointed. I weighed in at 162, took 1/4 pack of the ketone drink with my favorite black Organo coffee with ganoderma reishi mushrooms, and went on with my day… which was almost entirely without power/electricity due to a tree falling on power lines 1/2 a mile from my house last night.

We didn’t get our power back until 4 pm today.

It is starting to get chilly outdoors (30s/40s), so temps in my house dipped below 60F most of last night and today. It wasn’t fun, since I currently have a toddler who is sick with croup and fever (again).

I have been rather strict with my keto diet since yesterday. Today’s meal was my favorite standby of roasted beef marrow bones with avocado halves and a salad of arugula, capers, shallots, lemon, and olive oil.

I am hoping tomorrow’s scale is better… but I kind of overate the keto foods tonight at the last minute…  even though I have over an hour of cardio in, some weighted hula hooping, and over 19k steps per fitbit today.

It’s been such a stressful week! I need to keep moving to save my sanity!

0

Guilt and Waking Up at 3 am

Tonight I didn’t answer the phone when my mother called repeatedly from the psych ward at Lakeland.
 
I wanted to have one night this week where we could pretend life was ‘normal’ and not falling down around our heads- so that we could all enjoy Halloween and not spend it crying.
 
She left a ton of messages on my voicemail, each wondering if I knew she was in the hospital.
 
I woke up abruptly from sleep,with this huge sense of dread and guilt weighing heavily upon me. I wouldn’t even call it guilt- it was remorse. Stomach churning, benign neglect of another human being. I have been doing this a lot lately- just to try to save my own sanity- and it makes me ill inside.
 
I could tell that she didn’t remember her previous calls and it scared me. I could clearly hear the panic and confusion in her voice, the not remembering part… and it was heartbreaking.
 
What a difference it was from our visit with R’s 93 year old grandmother tonight! She lives alone and is only a bit forgetful, but otherwise sharp as a tack. It almost served as a painful foil, a bittersweet contrast.
 
My mother is 20 years younger than Nana. This monster that has consumed her entire life, seems to be now eating away at her brain, like pac man.
 
It is hard to distinguish the bipolar, the mental illness, from the dementia- she is so clever and sad and angry and anxious and lonely. She is still HER inside of her core and it is going away bit by bit.
 
Tomorrow, I finally head to the courthouse to apply for guardianship. We had been ill (and I’ve been depressed) since the previous week, so it hasn’t been done yet.
 
If you ask me how I feel, I’d say so sad. I feel as if this is my lot to bear, not because I truly love or respect or even feel like she was or is my parent- but because she is my parent, I have to do this. I don’t know if this makes any sense to anyone else.
 
I would never want my children to feel the same apathy that I do about my parents. All of this, including Maisie being born so recently, has given me a second chance to re-examine my relationships with my family, myself, and those around me.
 
Unfortunately, I come up lacking in so many regards, but I know I can fix ME. I can’t fix her or my dad or my siblings.
 
I wish I could make them love me or me them, really.
 
I wish I had a magic wand to fix this for everyone.
 
My only solace is giving my 2 youngest kids the magical childhood- as much as I can- and love that I wish I would have had myself.
 
I thought I felt better today… and I do… but I am kind of upset to have woken up crying at 3 am, sad all over again and typing.
 
The people who know me in real life know that I am not prone to being this weepy mess- so it is really bothering me to feel this raw and exposed.
 
So, like any brave Aquarian would- I’m going to go with it and try to learn to love me and be authentic.
 
If anyone else is going through similar, I want you to know you’re not alone.
 
xo
1

HALLOWEEEN!!!!(AND KETO AND ZOMBIE KARDASHIANS)

A little peek into our day, before trick or treat- it was 35F here in SW Michigan- absolutely freeeeeezing (1-2C for the rest of you).

We rushed to get candy for the manny in the house to dole out while we took the girl into the cold.

I had exactly 35 minutes to decide what to dress up as- and accidentally turned into a Zombie Kardashian- or a Game of Thrones greyscale Kardashian– still not sure which.

22885769_10155427578484024_5621067452876864700_n

Maisie dressed as a brown haired Elsa… she was over the moon. Below is a pic with her brother- who is dressed as a sort of emo Waldo who doesn’t wish to be found- but will still take your candy-

22853111_10155426148949024_137003783776951345_n

I did, however, successfully stay keto and stayed out of the sweets today- so hurray for me!