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A Funny and A Sad Blurb From My Mom…

Went to visit my mom today at the mental health facility.

Her dementia is far more evident now that her bipolar and aggression are under control, and it is sad to realize how much she’s losing. She clutches a piece of paper with my number and my dad’s in her hand all day long.

She was happy to see us- Maisie gave her hugs and kisses. Maisie was allowed in as long as a nurse was there to supervise.

My mom’s odd, frontal temporal lobe, filter lacking sense of humor shone through when I filled her in about the dodgy assisted living home owner guy. I mentioned to her that he’d been insistent that she needed to divorce my dad.

Mom: “What did he say?!”

Me: “He said you needed to divorce dad, he was insisting and asking when this would happen”

Mom: “I don’t remember spending time with him, did I give him a blowjob or something? Why is he asking this??! I don’t remember giving him a blowjob…”

She laughed and then said “Get me out of there, I don’t like that”

A few minutes later, with a straight face, she said:

“You need to tell your dad I want a divorce”… and she was back in her sad dementia loop again.

We could only visit for an hour, as visitation is 7:30-8:30 pm only.

When I got home, she called crying, saying we left too early. She read the sign, then saw the clock and realized we left at the right time.

She was both funny and heartbreaking tonight.

I have a sick pit in my stomach.

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HALLOWEEEN!!!!(AND KETO AND ZOMBIE KARDASHIANS)

A little peek into our day, before trick or treat- it was 35F here in SW Michigan- absolutely freeeeeezing (1-2C for the rest of you).

We rushed to get candy for the manny in the house to dole out while we took the girl into the cold.

I had exactly 35 minutes to decide what to dress up as- and accidentally turned into a Zombie Kardashian- or a Game of Thrones greyscale Kardashian– still not sure which.

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Maisie dressed as a brown haired Elsa… she was over the moon. Below is a pic with her brother- who is dressed as a sort of emo Waldo who doesn’t wish to be found- but will still take your candy-

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I did, however, successfully stay keto and stayed out of the sweets today- so hurray for me!

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Throw Back Wednesday: Amsterdam Musings and Photos from almost 15 yrs ago1

I lived (off and on) in Amsterdam almost 12-15 years ago and just found these photos somewhere. I rarely discuss this part of my life, as it was kind of a darkly depressing and traumatic time for me… but it wasn’t always. There are always some lovely things that spring from even the darkest moments in life.

The above was my theme song for my time there. I’d sit in the office, work on the computer, and stare out the window at the gray, dreary skies while this played.

I missed my children so much.

The person I lived with was a hand full. Very kind and accommodating, yet neurotic and untrustworthy. I felt like I was simply a person to fill their self-imposed agenda- they had a time limit, a goal before they turned 40 and thought I was it.

I wasn’t.

They also had addiction problems, which I was not equipped to deal with at all. I stayed far longer than I should… but I was this person’s friend, above all, and felt like I needed to. My Aquarian bits cannot stand seeing folks in that sort of pain, even if it pains me. My mother LOVED this person SO much, sometimes I felt there was some kind of karmic debt I had to burn off (yes, I believe in this sort of thing).

I could not and would not be the person they desired. I knew this. I also knew it was reciprocal.

I also knew that it was a pain in the ass witnessing the philandering that went on behind my back at a steady rate. I am NOT a submissive woman and am not okay with that sort of thing.

For those who don’t know what I do for a living, amongst other things, I have been a professional psychic for over 25 years. I have always had a weird and unconventional lifestyle, which has always been a blessing.

I did massive amounts of readings for this person, whose natural outlook tended to be gloom and doom. I even predicted the names and genders of their future children- which delights me now, since they have been born in the interim and are lovely. I saw the person they would end up with- and it came to pass, again, to my absolute joy.

I introduced this person to the stuff I loved, like genealogy and antiques and my general hippie dippy weirdness… they intro’d me to finer living, good food, and the darker side of psychological pain and addiction. They made me feel safe in their chaos and opened my eyes to things I had no knowledge of prior.

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it actually started in London- outside of Hampton Court Castle- I met someone who had been annoying the shit outta me for years

In the end, I realized that I prefer a more sedate and quiet lifestyle. I had no desire, once I tasted it, for anything more than a piece of dirt, a garden, and a boring life.

Their desires were so much grander, which fit them.

I am so happy that this person fulfilled their soul path. I was always worried that they’d hurt themselves before they had the chance to. I honestly think that this person was my child/sibling/parent in past lives. That was the sort of relationship we had at a core level.

Above all, I am so RELIEVED that I did not stay and that they found their love, like I have with R and Maisie. She is glamorous and beautiful and smart. I enjoy her posts on Instagram. Their kids have the names that I SAW and told him about so many years ago and are absolutely gorgeous. It gives me great happiness and peace of mind to know that things worked out as it should have.

This person had such a HOLE in his soul where family should be, way back when. I come from a huge family, so it bothered me that he should feel such a loss and disconnection. I think I filled that place in this person’s being for the short time I was there. I truly believe that our friends ARE family, at least at one time or another, and we have an obligation to give of ourselves when folks need us.

I think this was where all the junkies used to pace

I think this was where all the junkies used to pace

(Which I guess is why I am still close friends with all my exes- you can’t UN-family someone. You can just recycle the relationship and be cool about it. Thank GOD I am triple Aquarius lol)

Life is such a mystery and a blessing. It can be fucking depressing, too, when you’re going through the thick of it.

I have never been able to actually articulate this until now- it’s taken over a dozen years. I am glad I was able to write about this now.

I have probably never been as depressed as I was back then- not before and not since.

I loved taking photos of doorways when I lived in Amsterdam- and architecture

I loved taking photos of doorways when I lived in Amsterdam- and architecture

gray is how I always remember this city, even when the flowers were in bloom

gray is how I always remember this city, even when the flowers were in bloom

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I loved the little streets

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can’t remember what this was

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typical scene

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around the corner from where my fave English breakfast place was

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old architecture and new

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shopping- so early 2000s!

One of my FAVORITE little sandwich/broodje shops in A’dam was Van Dobben:

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I don’t look very happy here

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I loved loved the filet americain

I thought this was hilarious

I thought this was hilarious

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Walking away photos

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yeah, I’m bowlegged