It is heartbreaking. I have no words. My son and I visited this afternoon.
There is absolutely no way to make Lularoe leggings look flattering on me, but I am down 12 pounds in 11 days!
I am only 5’4 and a half, maybe, so I am not a tall, lithe person. I am extremely muscular and moderately active at the moment. I have not had the time I usually have to do yoga or get more than 10-12k fitbit steps in lately, so this is mostly from the keto diet and the ketone drink I started drinking less than 2 weeks ago. The drink helped me over the plateau weight I’ve been hovering at for a year.
Went to visit my mom today at the mental health facility.
Her dementia is far more evident now that her bipolar and aggression are under control, and it is sad to realize how much she’s losing. She clutches a piece of paper with my number and my dad’s in her hand all day long.
She was happy to see us- Maisie gave her hugs and kisses. Maisie was allowed in as long as a nurse was there to supervise.
My mom’s odd, frontal temporal lobe, filter lacking sense of humor shone through when I filled her in about the dodgy assisted living home owner guy. I mentioned to her that he’d been insistent that she needed to divorce my dad.
Mom: “What did he say?!”
Me: “He said you needed to divorce dad, he was insisting and asking when this would happen”
Mom: “I don’t remember spending time with him, did I give him a blowjob or something? Why is he asking this??! I don’t remember giving him a blowjob…”
She laughed and then said “Get me out of there, I don’t like that”
A few minutes later, with a straight face, she said:
“You need to tell your dad I want a divorce”… and she was back in her sad dementia loop again.
We could only visit for an hour, as visitation is 7:30-8:30 pm only.
When I got home, she called crying, saying we left too early. She read the sign, then saw the clock and realized we left at the right time.
She was both funny and heartbreaking tonight.
I have a sick pit in my stomach.
If I died tomorrow, I would have lived a wonderful, full, exciting life.
I’ve been so blessed- I’ve done EVERYTHING I’ve ever wanted to do, everything I’ve ever dreamed of! I’ve lived all over the world, visited so many places, met so many wonderful people.
I have 4 amazing, healthy children. I’ve had so much love in my life that I can scarcely believe it. I’ve traveled, had infamy (fame is no fun), met incredible people, been poor, been rich, been thin, been plump, been spoiled, been resourceful, had wonderful health- and scary bad health.
I was diagnosed with the autoimmune disorder lupus in my 40s- and with Factor V Leiden (a clotting disorder) when I was pregnant with Maisie. Both are genetically inherited. I had 2 TIAs (small strokes) in my early 40s, which were explained by the conditions I have.
Honestly, I think it’s the adversity that’s the best wake up call. The Universe sometimes has to grab you by the scruff of your neck and shake sense into you. It happened to me and thank GOODNESS it did. I would DEFINITELY consider my ‘conditions’ to be a blessing in disguise. They made me appreciate life and stop and smell (and plant) the roses.
If you would have told me 15-10-even 7 years ago that I would be starting over with a newborn baby at 45, wearing almost no makeup, not worrying about my wardrobe, not doing theater or acting anymore, I would have laughed at you.
I was a shallow bitch, lemme tell ya. I was full of anxiety and worried about things that didn’t matter at the end of the day.
Maybe the stuff I love now doesn’t matter to 99.9 percent of people, but it does to me and makes me so happy- which is enough.
I spent a majority of my life with chronic depression and anxiety and now- POOF!
It’s amazing to me. Being happy is amazing to me. I love it.
Now I sit here thinking about bucket lists and the only thing I can think of is this:
I would love to live long enough to watch my kids all grow up and have grandkids.
That’s it, that’s all.