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I haven’t been able to write or update about my mom, but here are some photos from today…

It is heartbreaking. I have no words. My son and I visited this afternoon.

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Keto Weight Loss Update! 12 lbs gone is 11 Days! (Pics and video vlog)

There is absolutely no way to make Lularoe leggings look flattering on me, but I am down 12 pounds in 11 days!

I am only 5’4 and a half, maybe, so I am not a tall, lithe person. I am extremely muscular and moderately active at the moment. I have not had the time I usually have to do yoga or get more than 10-12k fitbit steps in lately, so this is mostly from the keto diet and the ketone drink I started drinking less than 2 weeks ago. The drink helped me over the plateau weight I’ve been hovering at for a year.

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A Funny and A Sad Blurb From My Mom…

Went to visit my mom today at the mental health facility.

Her dementia is far more evident now that her bipolar and aggression are under control, and it is sad to realize how much she’s losing. She clutches a piece of paper with my number and my dad’s in her hand all day long.

She was happy to see us- Maisie gave her hugs and kisses. Maisie was allowed in as long as a nurse was there to supervise.

My mom’s odd, frontal temporal lobe, filter lacking sense of humor shone through when I filled her in about the dodgy assisted living home owner guy. I mentioned to her that he’d been insistent that she needed to divorce my dad.

Mom: “What did he say?!”

Me: “He said you needed to divorce dad, he was insisting and asking when this would happen”

Mom: “I don’t remember spending time with him, did I give him a blowjob or something? Why is he asking this??! I don’t remember giving him a blowjob…”

She laughed and then said “Get me out of there, I don’t like that”

A few minutes later, with a straight face, she said:

“You need to tell your dad I want a divorce”… and she was back in her sad dementia loop again.

We could only visit for an hour, as visitation is 7:30-8:30 pm only.

When I got home, she called crying, saying we left too early. She read the sign, then saw the clock and realized we left at the right time.

She was both funny and heartbreaking tonight.

I have a sick pit in my stomach.

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Guilt and Waking Up at 3 am

Tonight I didn’t answer the phone when my mother called repeatedly from the psych ward at Lakeland.
 
I wanted to have one night this week where we could pretend life was ‘normal’ and not falling down around our heads- so that we could all enjoy Halloween and not spend it crying.
 
She left a ton of messages on my voicemail, each wondering if I knew she was in the hospital.
 
I woke up abruptly from sleep,with this huge sense of dread and guilt weighing heavily upon me. I wouldn’t even call it guilt- it was remorse. Stomach churning, benign neglect of another human being. I have been doing this a lot lately- just to try to save my own sanity- and it makes me ill inside.
 
I could tell that she didn’t remember her previous calls and it scared me. I could clearly hear the panic and confusion in her voice, the not remembering part… and it was heartbreaking.
 
What a difference it was from our visit with R’s 93 year old grandmother tonight! She lives alone and is only a bit forgetful, but otherwise sharp as a tack. It almost served as a painful foil, a bittersweet contrast.
 
My mother is 20 years younger than Nana. This monster that has consumed her entire life, seems to be now eating away at her brain, like pac man.
 
It is hard to distinguish the bipolar, the mental illness, from the dementia- she is so clever and sad and angry and anxious and lonely. She is still HER inside of her core and it is going away bit by bit.
 
Tomorrow, I finally head to the courthouse to apply for guardianship. We had been ill (and I’ve been depressed) since the previous week, so it hasn’t been done yet.
 
If you ask me how I feel, I’d say so sad. I feel as if this is my lot to bear, not because I truly love or respect or even feel like she was or is my parent- but because she is my parent, I have to do this. I don’t know if this makes any sense to anyone else.
 
I would never want my children to feel the same apathy that I do about my parents. All of this, including Maisie being born so recently, has given me a second chance to re-examine my relationships with my family, myself, and those around me.
 
Unfortunately, I come up lacking in so many regards, but I know I can fix ME. I can’t fix her or my dad or my siblings.
 
I wish I could make them love me or me them, really.
 
I wish I had a magic wand to fix this for everyone.
 
My only solace is giving my 2 youngest kids the magical childhood- as much as I can- and love that I wish I would have had myself.
 
I thought I felt better today… and I do… but I am kind of upset to have woken up crying at 3 am, sad all over again and typing.
 
The people who know me in real life know that I am not prone to being this weepy mess- so it is really bothering me to feel this raw and exposed.
 
So, like any brave Aquarian would- I’m going to go with it and try to learn to love me and be authentic.
 
If anyone else is going through similar, I want you to know you’re not alone.
 
xo
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If I Died Tomorrow…

If I died tomorrow, I would have lived a wonderful, full, exciting life.

I’ve been so blessed- I’ve done EVERYTHING I’ve ever wanted to do, everything I’ve ever dreamed of! I’ve lived all over the world, visited so many places, met so many wonderful people.

I have 4 amazing, healthy children. I’ve had so much love in my life that I can scarcely believe it. I’ve traveled, had infamy (fame is no fun), met incredible people, been poor, been rich, been thin, been plump, been spoiled, been resourceful, had wonderful health- and scary bad health.

I was diagnosed with the autoimmune disorder lupus in my 40s- and with Factor V Leiden (a clotting disorder) when I was pregnant with Maisie. Both are genetically inherited. I had 2 TIAs (small strokes) in my early 40s, which were explained by the conditions I have.

Honestly, I think it’s the adversity that’s the best wake up call. The Universe sometimes has to grab you by the scruff of your neck and shake sense into you. It happened to me and thank GOODNESS it did. I would DEFINITELY consider my ‘conditions’ to be a blessing in disguise. They made me appreciate life and stop and smell (and plant) the roses.

If you would have told me 15-10-even 7 years ago that I would be starting over with a newborn baby at 45, wearing almost no makeup, not worrying about my wardrobe, not doing theater or acting anymore, I would have laughed at you.

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so not me anymore

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vanity can be ok, but too much focus on it and you lose sight of what’s important

I was a shallow bitch, lemme tell ya. I was full of anxiety and worried about things that didn’t matter at the end of the day.

Maybe the stuff I love now doesn’t matter to 99.9 percent of people, but it does to me and makes me so happy- which is enough.

I spent a majority of my life with chronic depression and anxiety and now- POOF!

GONE.

It’s amazing to me. Being happy is amazing to me. I love it.

Now I sit here thinking about bucket lists and the only thing I can think of is this:

I would love to live long enough to watch my kids all grow up and have grandkids.

That’s it, that’s all.