I lived (off and on) in Amsterdam almost 12-15 years ago and just found these photos somewhere. I rarely discuss this part of my life, as it was kind of a darkly depressing and traumatic time for me… but it wasn’t always. There are always some lovely things that spring from even the darkest moments in life.
The above was my theme song for my time there. I’d sit in the office, work on the computer, and stare out the window at the gray, dreary skies while this played.
I missed my children so much.
The person I lived with was a hand full. Very kind and accommodating, yet neurotic and untrustworthy. I felt like I was simply a person to fill their self-imposed agenda- they had a time limit, a goal before they turned 40 and thought I was it.
They also had addiction problems, which I was not equipped to deal with at all. I stayed far longer than I should… but I was this person’s friend, above all, and felt like I needed to. My Aquarian bits cannot stand seeing folks in that sort of pain, even if it pains me. My mother LOVED this person SO much, sometimes I felt there was some kind of karmic debt I had to burn off (yes, I believe in this sort of thing).
I could not and would not be the person they desired. I knew this. I also knew it was reciprocal.
I also knew that it was a pain in the ass witnessing the philandering that went on behind my back at a steady rate. I am NOT a submissive woman and am not okay with that sort of thing.
For those who don’t know what I do for a living, amongst other things, I have been a professional psychic for over 25 years. I have always had a weird and unconventional lifestyle, which has always been a blessing.
I did massive amounts of readings for this person, whose natural outlook tended to be gloom and doom. I even predicted the names and genders of their future children- which delights me now, since they have been born in the interim and are lovely. I saw the person they would end up with- and it came to pass, again, to my absolute joy.
I introduced this person to the stuff I loved, like genealogy and antiques and my general hippie dippy weirdness… they intro’d me to finer living, good food, and the darker side of psychological pain and addiction. They made me feel safe in their chaos and opened my eyes to things I had no knowledge of prior.
In the end, I realized that I prefer a more sedate and quiet lifestyle. I had no desire, once I tasted it, for anything more than a piece of dirt, a garden, and a boring life.
Their desires were so much grander, which fit them.
I am so happy that this person fulfilled their soul path. I was always worried that they’d hurt themselves before they had the chance to. I honestly think that this person was my child/sibling/parent in past lives. That was the sort of relationship we had at a core level.
Above all, I am so RELIEVED that I did not stay and that they found their love, like I have with R and Maisie. She is glamorous and beautiful and smart. I enjoy her posts on Instagram. Their kids have the names that I SAW and told him about so many years ago and are absolutely gorgeous. It gives me great happiness and peace of mind to know that things worked out as it should have.
This person had such a HOLE in his soul where family should be, way back when. I come from a huge family, so it bothered me that he should feel such a loss and disconnection. I think I filled that place in this person’s being for the short time I was there. I truly believe that our friends ARE family, at least at one time or another, and we have an obligation to give of ourselves when folks need us.
(Which I guess is why I am still close friends with all my exes- you can’t UN-family someone. You can just recycle the relationship and be cool about it. Thank GOD I am triple Aquarius lol)
Life is such a mystery and a blessing. It can be fucking depressing, too, when you’re going through the thick of it.
I have never been able to actually articulate this until now- it’s taken over a dozen years. I am glad I was able to write about this now.
I have probably never been as depressed as I was back then- not before and not since.
One of my FAVORITE little sandwich/broodje shops in A’dam was Van Dobben: