0

day 3 post hysterectomy and I am absolutely miserable- and thank you to everyone who’s sent msgs and balloons and flowers etc

nausea, dizzy, sleeping all the time, horrible pain.

Yay!

I will try to post my very loosely written diary soon when I am coherent enough to do so.

Thank you to those who have sent the loads of flowers and balloons xo. Maisie has been caring for the balloons personally.

I am not in the most communicative of moods right now.

Doc sent photos of my uterus and ovaries and tubes… will post them when I am able.

2

Mourning the impending death of my uterus

 

Not only am I creepily naked and sobbing in the above photos, I am also disgustingly smearing my lipstick, so that it symbolizes the last period I will ever have in my life.

A lot of women hate their periods. I really didn’t until the periods became unbearable. Going into the crone phase, even if it is partial, scares the shit out of me.

Pretty emo for someone of a half-century, I will admit. It’s my crotch party and I’ll cry if I want to…

While my first inclination, as always, is to make snarky jokes about the robots coming for my lady parts tomorrow- I can’t stop crying.

Words fail me.

The fact that I’m having essential organs- parts that are meaningless and useless now- that somehow DEFINED THIS MEAT SUIT for me- removed permanently really is messing with my brain right now.

If I leaned more towards the esoteric, I could just say this is all illusory… this body, this gender, this glove we wear.

I can’t fucking do it. I am grieving, mourning- an anxiety ridden mess.

All the worst case scenarios run through my head:

What if I die on the table?  What if I am that small percentage that has cancer and it causes it to spread?

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/02/18/hysterectomy-laparoscopic-morcellation-amy-reed/5347093/

Luckily, now very few hospitals combine DaVinci robotic surgery with morcellation:

https://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/showthread.php?t=588404

The entire thing is usually pulled out of the vagina, presumably after the robotic bits sever the organs from their places.

Still, fucking scary.

My friends and family who have gone through this say it’s a piece of cake- I will no longer be in constant pain, I will love it, etc.

As a consolation prize, they will take my fallopian tubes and keep my ovaries- as long as I agree to ultrasounds every 6 months to monitor the cysts. This means I can go into eventual natural menopause and not instant menopause, as I have Factor V Leiden and can never use hormone replacement.

Also, what makes us female? Is it biological, is it physical, is it a dangly bit of spongy flesh in our innards- is it a hardwiring of of hypothalamus? Is it a spiritual choice made prior to incarnating?

WTF IS it?! Do I become some gender fluid, non-pronoun using being after this?

I don’t know why I am so hysterical right now- I just know that I am.

I know I won’t cease to be ME, who or whatever that may be (unless I die, of course).

I surely didn’t freak out like this when they took my gallbladder almost 2 decades ago.

I’m just scared, I guess. Scared shitless.

My stomach is fat, like a woman 4-5 months pregnant- the adenomyosis has me swollen like a tick on a dog.

I feel miserable. This procedure is supposed to make it all better.

I hope it does.

Losing pieces of ourselves, I wonder if zombies feel the same way, if they were real and could think.

“Oh, shit, my whole crotch just fell out… need more brains…”

Yeah, I need more brains.

0

VINTAGE RECIPE: My Great Aunt Ellen’s Chicken and Dumplings- MY NEW VERSION- Now w/saffron and truffle oil!!

Making this again for the first time since the original post in 2016- my nephew is here visiting from Palau and I wanted him to try the foods of his American ancestors 🙂

I added a new, modern twist to this recipe- a pinch of saffron and extra garlic in the chicken cooking water- and truffle oil to finish the thing off, to taste.

It’s incredible with the new umami flavor profiles! Photos below of my nephew rolling and cutting the dumplings- and the last batch of ‘sauce’

Miss Maisie and Me

TO SEE PART 1, CLICK HERE

My version

After I finished writing the last blog post, I started on the chicken and dumplings.

img_4133-1 The original version omits any thickener for sauce

right away I could tell that 2 tsp baking powder in one cup of flour was WAY too much- also, most recipes call for some form of fat, which I added.

Aunt Ellen used ‘chicken cooking water’ and canned broth. I decided to kill two birds with one stone and make my OWN broth.


CHICKEN AND BROTH:

2 packages of boneless skinless chicken breast (3 breasts per package)
a couple stalks of celery, leaves on, broken up in large chunks
a couple unpeeled carrots, broken up into large chunks
UNPEELED onion, cut in quarters.
water to cover
handful of fresh parsley (do not chop)
tablespoon of chicken bouillon

Basically, I just dumped it all in a pot on high-…

View original post 492 more words

0

#worldselfieday

We missed #WorldSelfieDay Yesterday, so Maisie and I (and my son) made up for it today lol

0

Summer Playlist- June 20th Happy Birthday to Summer!

image2

Today is the day before the summer solstice, the last day for spring cleaning.

The day before the longest day of the year… Happy Birthday to Summer and everything else wonderful!

I almost always listen to the Beatles and other sundry oldies, like the Kinks and Elis Regina on this day, for some odd reason.

Here’s my playlist this year:

https://www.vidio.com/watch/68518-the-beatles-here-comes-the-sun-lyrics?channel_id=220401

https://www.vidio.com/watch/68506-the-beatles-i-want-you-she-s-so-heavy-lyrics?channel_id=220401

https://www.vidio.com/watch/68622-the-beatles-while-my-guitar-gently-weeps-lyrics?channel_id=220401

https://www.vidio.com/watch/68625-the-beatles-this-boy-lyrics?channel_id=220401


https://www.vidio.com/watch/68629-the-beatles-something-lyrics?channel_id=220401

https://www.vidio.com/watch/68635-the-beatles-strawberry-fields-forever-lyrics?channel_id=220401


 

 

 

 

 

0

My skin after initial 6 day water fast looks INCREDIBLE!

NOT bad for almost 50 years old, huh?

I noticed that my skin responded really well to this. I am super stoked about it!