Tag Archives: funny
Conversations with the oncology social worker… or, what happens to my lady bits after they take them? PLUS UPDATE- SHE CALLED BACK WITH THE ANSWER AND GAVE US MORE QUESTIONS!
Oh boy.
The oncology social worker called to ask if I had any questions regarding my upcoming hysterectomy.
I really could not think of anything… then I giggled, because I DID have ONE question- and I asked her:
“Um, what happens to my uterus after? Do I take it home and bury it under a tree? I mean, they let you take your placenta home now after birth… what’s the etiquette with losing your body parts?”
I went on to further explain that I didn’t want to eat it or anything- like some do with their placentas- but I wanted to make sure they didn’t do something with it, like turn it into Soylent Green.
The lady on the other end of the phone stuttered a bit and said:
“Wow, nobody’s ever asked me this before- let me ask them. I think it goes to pathology for cancer testing and disposed, but IDK if you could get it returned to you… wow, yeah, let me ask”
I laughed and told her that it really wasn’t a pressing issue with me, but she continued:
“No, no- I really want to find out, too- I know a lot of people who take their placentas home. This makes perfect sense- no one’s ever asked me this”
I think I may have begun anarchy in the uterus removal trade today, inadvertently.
LOL… I mean, I was just curious. If they give it back, do I have to give it a funeral?!
UPDATE:
Megan, the social worker, called back not even an hour later with a reply!!
1. they used to let you take your body parts home with you, if you signed a waiver of some sort- but now you are no longer allowed to do so due to health and hygiene laws.
2. Megan and I then wondered what the hospital would rule (I like this chick) if, say, someone from an Asian religion had this surgery and needed the part back due to their belief in progressing in their Afterlife.
That was some interesting banter. I really like this office.
I speculated that it would probably be a state’s law and hospital policy call.
For example, in the state of Michigan, you are allowed to opt out of vaccinations due to religious reasons.
Megan agreed. I mean, you could possible do someone irreversible harm by incinerating their spleen or what-have-you and not allowing them to sew it up in an embroidered cloth, simply because they’d believe they were not going to the Hereafter because they didn’t have all their bits.
That could mean a lawsuit.
I then absolutely assured her that they could have my troublesome uterus, as I didn’t want the damned thing, and that this conversation in no way reflected my personal beliefs.
She laughed and told me I needed to go to law school and come work at her hospital.
A Funny and A Sad Blurb From My Mom…
Went to visit my mom today at the mental health facility.
Her dementia is far more evident now that her bipolar and aggression are under control, and it is sad to realize how much she’s losing. She clutches a piece of paper with my number and my dad’s in her hand all day long.
She was happy to see us- Maisie gave her hugs and kisses. Maisie was allowed in as long as a nurse was there to supervise.
My mom’s odd, frontal temporal lobe, filter lacking sense of humor shone through when I filled her in about the dodgy assisted living home owner guy. I mentioned to her that he’d been insistent that she needed to divorce my dad.
Mom: “What did he say?!”
Me: “He said you needed to divorce dad, he was insisting and asking when this would happen”
Mom: “I don’t remember spending time with him, did I give him a blowjob or something? Why is he asking this??! I don’t remember giving him a blowjob…”
She laughed and then said “Get me out of there, I don’t like that”
A few minutes later, with a straight face, she said:
“You need to tell your dad I want a divorce”… and she was back in her sad dementia loop again.
We could only visit for an hour, as visitation is 7:30-8:30 pm only.
When I got home, she called crying, saying we left too early. She read the sign, then saw the clock and realized we left at the right time.
She was both funny and heartbreaking tonight.
I have a sick pit in my stomach.
HALLOWEEEN!!!!(AND KETO AND ZOMBIE KARDASHIANS)
A little peek into our day, before trick or treat- it was 35F here in SW Michigan- absolutely freeeeeezing (1-2C for the rest of you).
We rushed to get candy for the manny in the house to dole out while we took the girl into the cold.
I had exactly 35 minutes to decide what to dress up as- and accidentally turned into a Zombie Kardashian- or a Game of Thrones greyscale Kardashian– still not sure which.
Maisie dressed as a brown haired Elsa… she was over the moon. Below is a pic with her brother- who is dressed as a sort of emo Waldo who doesn’t wish to be found- but will still take your candy-
I did, however, successfully stay keto and stayed out of the sweets today- so hurray for me!
Sam’s Crazy 26th Birthday Surprise
Maisie’s ‘card’ to her oldest brother on his 26th bday- she’s the Birthday Axe Fairy
My oldest son, Sam, turned 26 today. He does a show online and broadcasted from last night to early this morning for 12 hours.
Sam after the first part of the surprise.
At the stroke of midnight on the 9th, we surprised him with cake, glitter, and a card- and Maisie dressed up as the birthday axe fairy with a glowing plastic ax and birthday tiara. I used 2 full cups of glitter confetti, which I later attempted to vacuum up with a shop vac and a Dyson.
We STILL have glitter EVERYWHERE.
It was pretty raunchy- poor guy.
He has viewers who chat with him during his streams online- and they were secretly sending msgs to ME to do things… Sam ended up getting hit in the head with a (faux) wet diaper- and another asked for me to fill one later with HP (brown) Sauce to simulate poo and get him with THAT.
it was only HP Sauce
Of course, I complied. Here are the highlights (I am just posting part I- the rest are on my youtube channel):
Post A Quote Challenge Day 1
A huge thank you to ChubbyChicsDiary for nominating me for another fun challenge. I somehow doubt mine will be very inspirational, as I prefer funny quotes… but here goes:
RULES
- Post a quote a day for 3 days (can be your own or from other sources)
- Nominate 3 bloggers to participate per post
- Thank the person who nominated you
“you need to get the fuck out of Spain, because all the guys have little dicks and they’ll fuck you in the ass before they can get your panties off” ~ Ava Gardner
My quote is from the late, immortal Ava Gardner and I could apply this to anything/anyone, if I really had to think about it. It’s a dog eat dog world:
“…you need to get the fuck out of Spain, because all the guys have little dicks and they’ll fuck you in the ass before they can get your panties off”
My Nominees:
The BEST & WORST Evil Thing I’ve Seen Today- SHIPYOURENEMIESGLITTER.COM !!!!!
HILARIOUS!!! Found this here: https://shipyourenemiesglitter.com/
I personally wouldn’t bother, I have better things to do- but if you’re so inclined, check this out:
shipyourenemiesglitter.com
I presume, this means OCD neatnik, clean freak enemies
I’m just gonna park this right here… creepy, weird Bollywood video
yeah… there are no words. This says it ALL.
Gnome Issues: THE SICK BASTARDS
Gnome madness continues.
Mr. Tickles the Gnome (that’s what he was named, so he wouldn’t scare the baby) is one scary m*thaf*cka.
This is NOT something I want to see when I am half-awake and going out to the porch to get my paper.
Serious Weirdness Continues: ANOTHER THREE GNOMES Showed Up Today- WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM?!?!?!
my kid with 2 of the 3 new ‘mystery gnomes’ that showed up today.
Apparently, they are now MAILING THEMSELVES TO MY HOUSE.
WOW.
If you read my previous post you’ll know that I’ve been having a seriously strange thing happen over the last year: GNOMES have simply been APPEARING in my garden and on my porch, out of nowhere. I have no idea who is doing this.
So I wake up today and the mailman left packages on my porch from Amazon. I thought nothing of it, as we order stuff in for Maisie all the time. I had a Fisher Price Little People house coming in, so I thought it was just arriving early.
I open up the packages and there are THREE FREAKING NEW GNOMES INSIDE! The packing slip said it was a gift, with no name, no sender info, NOTHING. I questioned everyone in this house, my parents- no one sent it from my end. To top everything off, they were HILARIOUS.
imagine my SHOCK when I opened the package and these stared up at me…
One was a flasher with an obvious hard-on (omg, they MAKE THESE THINGS?!), the other was a female gnome STRIPPER, and the THIRD gnome was a larger ZOMBIE GNOME!!!!
yeah… this was the first one Maisie spied and took a shine to
For some reason (of course), Maisie spotted the flasher gnome, gave a squeal and crawled right to him. The zombie scared her a little, as it has these huge creepy hands, so I named him “Mr Tickles” and pretended he was going to tickle her. It seemed to do the trick, as she started chewing on him and playing with the hideous thing.
Maisie and “Mr Tickles” the Zombie gnome
My father suggested I post that ‘someone needs to stop leaving these $20 dollar bills on my porch’ and maybe THOSE would show up instead.
my father thinks I should have complained about ‘mysterious $20 dollar bills show up on the porch’ instead
I wish someone would tell me if they’re doing this. It’s an expensive prank! I am still completely freaked out about this.
Maisie was rather TOO enchanted with the flasher
Now I am going to have a colony of filthy rude pervert gnomes living in my flower beds. I am almost scared to look through the weeds to see if any more are out there that I missed.
Mr Tickles the Zombie gnome is huge and scary looking
Miss Maisie and Me 