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Day 36-Over 50 and Weight Loss Diary- Covid Tachycardia and More Weight Loss

Went down .2 of a pound and thrilled! My tachycardia is still here, but it seems to be lessening since I removed the NyQuil and CoQ10. I will add back the Ubiquinol to see if that wasn’t the culprit once my heart rate goes back to normal.

Been doing a lot of rebounding (albeit gently) on the leapsandrebounds.com rebounder (10% off with purchasing using code MISSMAISIE10). I also started a squat challenge. Getting my cardio done frequently with the rebounder helps my autoimmune problems, gets my FitBit steps in, and keeps me sane… it also lowers my heart rate.

Am in a reels making brush up course, so I made this while rebounding… I didn’t try very hard, but it’s a start LOL

L’BRI skincare at linktr.ee/missmaisieandme

NOW, ONTO THE STATS DU JOUR:

Day 36-

WEIGHT: 161.6

RESTING HEART RATE: 80 (praying it is better tomorrow-stopped nyquil and a supplement)
14.263 steps
33 min cardio

10:30 am- 1st fueling: DRIZZLED CHOCOLATE FUDGE CRISP BAR
1:53 pm- 2nd fueling: DECADENT CHOCOLATE BROWNIE WITH LAUGHING COW LITE CHEESE (waffled)
4:00 pm- 3rd fueling: CREAMY DOUBLE PEANUT BUTTER CRISP BAR
7:00 pm- 4th fueling: SPINACH PESTO MAC & CHEESE
10:30 pm- Lean and Green meal: TRUFFLED CHICKEN SALAD WITH GARLIC VINAIGRETTE
10:45 pm- 5th fueling:  couldn’t do it today. Still feeling covid-y and tachycardia-ish

140 oz of water

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Day 34-Over 50 and Weight Loss Diary- Covid Recovery Mode & What I’ve Learned From a Month of New Eating

Up .2 of a pound this morning, but I am in covid recovery and this doesn’t even bother me. In the past, it might have sent me into a downward spiral, but no more.

This new eating program has changed so much about how gentle I am with myself and perceptions about weight loss- much in the same way L’BRI skincare changed my ideas about getting older and aging skin.


👉🏻👉🏻linktr.ee/missmaisieandme for to get your youth on👈🏻👈🏻👈🏻👈🏻


I feel very blessed to have both of these programs in my life now. I am SO grateful, beyond words!!

That being said, my heart rate is now 78 today- Covid has done some ugly things with my heart and tachycardia during my 3 bouts. It’s frustrating, but the only solution I have is to do more rebounding on my Leaps & Rebounds mini-trampoline. Cardio helps loads with reducing the resting heart rate and I try to get on EVERY HOUR for a few minutes. I use my FitBit to monitor my vitals and steps. 12k of steps is always my goal (for now). Lately, I have been barely getting 9k, so this must change.

If you want to get a rebounder from leapsandrebounds.com I have a lifetime 10 percent discount MISSMAISIE10 you can use. This company SAVED MY LIFE after my pulmonary embolism and previous Covid bouts and I cannot thank them enough.

OMGOSH, WATCH THIS!! MAISIE IS IN THEIR VIDEO!


Day 34-

WEIGHT: 163.6

RESTING HEART RATE: 78 (noooooo!!)
11,307 steps
55 min cardio

12:00 pm- 1st fueling: CREAMY VANILLA SHAKE
4:00 pm- 2nd fueling: DRIZZLED CHOCOLATE FUDGE CRISP BAR (sooo late)
7:20 pm- 3rd fueling: CARAMEL MACCHIATO SHAKE (again, so late)
9:51 pm- 4th fueling: ZESTY LEMON CRISP BAR
11:50 pm- 5th fueling: fell asleep, work and illness kicking my butt

80 oz of water



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Over 50 and Weight Loss Diary Day 12- Lupus/Autoimmune Flare Less Today

When I woke up I felt like crud today, too. Headache in front of the head, but less severe than yesterday. General lethargy (again, less than yesterday). I will do a covid swab today. I have the home tests on my shelf. I just need the energy to get to the shelf. I am not usually prone to headaches or migraines.

I do notice a tickle in my throat, no other cold symptoms. I snore, so scratchy throats in the morning aren’t a bit deal.

I’ve been pushing through with rebounding and steps, but just the minimum to keep the aches and pains away. It also helps my breathing immensely. My body pain is the only thing that has gone away so far, which leads me to continue to believe that this was just an immune system freakout. I have covid long hauler stuff on top of it, so who knows?

UPDATES:

As the day wore on, my symptoms went away and my swab was NEGATIVE!

I had a lot of work to catch up on, so my workouts suffered, but I still got my steps in. I am pretty happy with this diet so far… so much so that I will be probably leaving my coach’s link (when I can find it) on this blog from now on, apparently I get some sort of referral credits. I am not quite sure how that works yet.

Dinner was an easy chicken pho style soup with Miracle Noodles and herbs and avocado as garnish.
Sometimes a proper soup is all a body needs when you’re feeling off-kilter.

OK, NOW FOR MY STATS OF THE DAY:

Day 12

Resting Heart Rate: 68
Morning Weight: not weighing today. I felt yucky and tired. Had to eat first and I only weigh first thing in the morning before weigh-in usually.
12,328 steps
35 min cardio

90 oz or more of water

11:00 am- 1st fueling: HONEY MUSTARD AND ONION STICKS AND COFFEE

1:00 pm– 2nd fueling: CREAMY VANILLA SHAKE
3:45 pm- 3rd fueling: CREAMY DOUBLE PEANUT BUTTER CRISP BAR
6:00 pm- 4th fueling:  RUSTIC TOMATO HERB PENNE

9:11 pm- 5th fueling: CAMPFIRE SMORES BAR

11:15 pm- Lean and Green meal: Miracle Noodle Chicken Pho with basil and herbs and sriracha and avocado

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Over 50 and Weight Loss Diary Day 11- Recovery from Massive Autoimmune Flare Day

I was shocked that I only weighed .1 of a pound over my previous weight this morning.


I was in such pain and headache misery from my autoimmune flares, I pressed through with the rebounding/steps/hydration/eating on plan and it helped so much.

I was reminded today by someone that I need to start training in the gym again.

I am also thinking seriously about removing my 20 year old saline breast implants. They may be a factor in why my autoimmune has been worsening.

Everything felt better after my lean and green meal…

Here are some holiday gifts we received from friends the other day that I forgot to post- they’re so amazing!



I am busy working on sending out my L’BRI team gifts from November that need to be out before Xmas. The first batch went out a couple days ago. Everything has been delayed due to my family illnesses or work commitments. I need to get it all on track and start the New Year right.

Day 11–
Resting Heart rate: 169
Morning Weight: 171.1 creeping up due to bad food choices and lack of exercise, but inexplicably lost more inches!
12,100 steps
1 hour 1 min cardio

80 oz of water

11:30 am- 1st fueling: CAMPFIRE S’MORES BAR and a big cup of coffee

2:40 pm– 2nd fueling: CINNAMON CREAM CHEESE SWIRL CAKE (waffled)
5:20 pm- 3rd fueling: JALAPENO CHEDDAR POPPERS
7:20 pm- 4th fueling: WILD STRAWBERRY SHAKE
8 pm- snack:  Dill Pickle

9:40 pm-Lean and Green meal: Dijon Chicken with baby lettuce and garlic cauliflower and coffee

11:45 pm-5th fueling: CREAMY DOUBLE PEANUT BUTTER CRISP BAR (my fave)

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Updates on the Last Few Years (Condensed Version w/Links & Photos)

I’ve utterly ignored this blog for YEARS… opting instead for the ease of Instagram and staying on my FB pages and doing Influencer Things (which, I gotta say, is more work than it appears to be and kinda mind-numbing).

If you want quick look-sees on what we’ve been up to go to:

instagram.com/missmaisiebabyfashionista

For the longer list, see below:

1. had a hysterectomy and bilateral pulmonary embolisms in 2018



2. Started homeschooling Maisie with Oakmeadow.com

in 2019 and we continued during the Pandemic (and now



3. Survived 2 bouts of Covid-19


4. Bought a RV and quarantined and farmed at my dad’s after our 1st Covid bout- raised sheep and chickens in 2020.




5. Our 3 elderly Newfoundland dogs, Berry, Scucca, and Tiberius died in 2020 and 2021… Berry and Scucca died within 2 weeks of each other in June 2021 (ages 13 and 10)- Ti died on Halloween 2019 at age 8.5.
https://missmaisieandme.com/2015/07/09/maisie-likes-to-chase-our-three-150-lb-each-newfoundland-dogs/



6. Moved into a smaller house in town in 2020 (originally, to quarantine in- now I just love it).



7. Adopted a kitten named Cake in 2020

8. Bought a new black 2 door hardtop Mini Cooper that I affectionately call “Roger”

9. Accidentally sampled an all natural skincare line on my 52nd birthday and somehow became an executive manager for this company after it made my face Benjamin Button back in time and managed my autoimmune skin.

It’s called L’BRI… do you even L’BRI, brah? Nobody’s heard of it, really, but it WORKED for me. I had no experience with this type of sales before… but I feel like the good faerie of skincare now. Life-changing- even if I don’t fall into the direct sales stereotype AT ALL.

Grab yours here:

linktr.ee/missmaisieandme

Check out my vid:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CRY85MqBP0-/

10. Took up a market stall at a well-known local farmer’s market and began doing in-person readings with my long time friend and business partner, Gidget, over the summer called The Rowan and the Oak.


I know I rarely talk about my ‘real work’ since having Maisie- I took a few years off- but I have been a psychic and medium (large now, thanks to the Pandemic) for over 30 years. My other biz page is Psychic Jess Anderson.

11. Adopted a Pembroke Welsh Corgi pup named Rowan Magnus the Magnificent. He is a mischievous little Cancerian with a moon in Aquarius and lots of Leo.

12. Binged “Vikings” on Netflix.com and spent the entire winter 2020-21 sewing/designing/embroidering Viking and Medieval inspired wool and linen ‘Plague-wear” for the entire family (coz I am nerdy like that).

13. Maisie raised money and made her own monarch butterfly sanctuary in 2019



plus a MYRIAD OF OTHER THINGS too numerous to include here…

I’m back again and going to be blogging like a fiend, friends.

😀

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Rebounder Set Up, New Stability Bar, and Cake the Kitten (plus video) and 10% off!

View this post on Instagram

Cake the kitten went wild when he saw the new rebounder and wouldn’t get off! He likes to bounce around, too- and will often get under the thing while we’re bouncing. He’s a little hellion. LOL.

Since surviving pulmonary embolisms and covid, I have to use a rebounder to keep my hear rate stable and my immune system going smoothly- will be writing more about that on the blog at missmaisieandme.com (I know, I am a tad bit late, but homeschooling this kid has turned into an all day thing this week). We even keep one in our RV at the farm! 

Currently, we’re using a 48” rebounder from @leapsandrebounds, but now we will be putting another smaller 40” rebounder in the RV instead (which should save precious space).

I have a new stabilizer bar for when I get dizzy spells or for when my father, who is older and has essential tremor, needs to use it.

❤️In this post, you can get 10% off Rebounders from @leapsandrebounds! ✔️Follow their page! ✔️use MissMaisie10 at checkout for your discount OR go to this link: ✔️https://leapsandrebounds.com/discount/MissMaisie10 💋🎈💗😘

#rv #rvliving #rvliving #rvexercise #rebounding #rebounder #covid_19 #covid #covidsummer2020 #covidsurvivor #pulmonaryembolism #pulmonaryembolismsurvivor #lupus #essentialtremor #vertigo #leapsandrebounds #healthylifestyle #chronicillness #kitten #kittensofinstagram #kittens #cat #catsofinstagram #catsofinstagram

A post shared by Miss Maisie & Mommy (@missmaisiebabyfashionista) on

It wasn’t a difficult set up, except for the part where the man boinged himself with a bungee… absolutely LOVE the new rebounder and can’t wait to get it into the RV.

(also, to get it out of the little house. I have no room in here for 2 rebounders)

Cake the kitten was RIDICULOUS about the new one. He was bouncing and dancing all over the thing for a solid 2 hours.

I really LOVE the new stabilizer bar. I thought I ordered one for a larger trampoline, but I was mistaken. Keeping it, though. It’s great to have something to hold onto when one is feeling off balance or dizzy.

I got the bar for my dad’s rebounder originally, but it doesn’t fit the 48″ ones (It only fits the smaller ones). It really improves the experience, even for me. It makes me feel safer when I am wobbly. I suffer from vertigo and weird dizziness leftover from being sick still. My dad has essential tremor and balance issues (thanks, Vietnam War). Having a stability bar is a must for those of us with issues such as these.

The bar has 3 height adjustments, with the highest being comfortable enough for someone about 6′ or more.

I really love this new addition to our rebounder, I will probably order a big one for both dad and me.

I haven’t had time to write the lonnnng (and it will be long) PTSD filled trauma surrounding my covid and pulmonary embolism recovery, due to beginning home schooling the kiddo and other weird snafus (like 3 people in my family, including the kitten, injury their right legs/paws).

I am still offering the 10 percent discount from Leaps and Rebounds for any of these purchases if you would like one of these for yourself.

In this post, you can get 10% off Rebounders from www.leapsandrebounds.com

✔️Follow their page at https://www.instagram.com/leapsandrebounds/


✔️use MissMaisie10 at checkout for your discount OR

✔️go to this link:
https://leapsandrebounds.com/discount/MissMaisie10
💋🎈💗



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I am have been gone for quite a while-

My sister still has cancer, my mom is in a facility getting her bipolar/dementia meds leveled out, I am going through serious family problems and experiencing long term ptsd as a result of past child abuse.

Maisie is doing wonderfully! She is in Montessori school and is three now. She also does ballet/tap and adores it.

I have been on a ketogenic diet this year since July 10, 2017 per my cardiologist’s suggestion. I have also been using/wearing a fitbit charge 2, which has absolutely changed me from sedentary to active and I love it!

I am starting a vlog to chronicle my keto journey and just to be able to vent… xo

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MORE VENTING/RAMBLING/BITCHING- and I have to say, after 6 yrs of witnessing R’s family, I appreciate my family (aunts, cousins, parents) MORE.

I don’t know if it’s the pain meds or family issues or what- but I have been extra angry lately…and weepy and emotional, you name it.

My tail bone procedure that was done a few days ago seems to be kicking in, kinda… as long as I take the pain meds with it. I am not happy with it yet, so I will discuss it with my doc on Monday if it doesn’t change. I really don’t want to be taking medications for pain for the rest of my life.

My lower back procedure is happening on Monday. I am very excited about it. I can’t wait to be able to work out again and do yoga and move and lift baby without screaming in pain or landing in the hospital.

They put me on a muscle relaxer and a narcotic pain reliever- which I detest. I am not a big user of prescription (or any) meds. I am one of those ‘hippie-dippie supplement/vitamin’ people. I don’t even smoke marijuana (and it’s legal where I live)- I am actually one of the 5% of humans that is ALLERGIC to it. I turn into Linda Blair from the Exorcist, projectile vomiting and all (TMI).
However, I have been taking the meds as prescribed because of the discomfort post-procedure. I really don’t like how emotional it is making me- or how sleepy.

I noticed, also, that the Baclofen (sp?) that they gave me for muscle spasms has been giving me EXTRA VIVID dreams. I actually dreamt that I was in Alaska the other day and it was so realistic! One of my sisters was there, too, and in my dream I ended up beating up this skanky woman who was harassing her. Earlier in the dream, I’d been to a shabby, but very clean and nicely decorated house (decorated in white) of a Native American woman who played an old wooden piano. She was wearing a beautiful beaded white deerskin dress. They weren’t nightmares- just so REAL.

Earlier in the week, I was felled by a lupus flare, due to stress. The tail bone procedure followed that. We also dealt with R’s family (parents, only sibling’s family) deciding to skip out on Maisie’s birthday (even though we HAD to attend HER KID’S 1st bday 2 months prior).

Another thing upset me this week: I helped out someone in need financially- I am not a lender, I just give. However, I was very upset (whether out of genuine hurt or just the fucking meds clouding my brain cells) because they didn’t even give so much as a ‘thank you’ after. Only a few days later, when someone mentioned to them that I was a bit miffed, did they send a long letter to me. I didn’t give it for the thanks- let’s get that straight now- but I guess I was raised differently. If I had been in the same position, I would have at least shot off a quickie ‘thank you’ text. Nothing more, nothing less. I guess it just made me feel a little used or like I’d been had, I don’t know.

People sometimes confuse me… although none as much as R’s family.

We woke up this morning to his mom and sister sending texts while en route to Vegas “Happy Birthday, MAYA”- keep in mind, Maisie is her nickname and I’ve asked that they call her that- this is another pet peeve and they know it. Hell, they call THEIR OWN SON AND THEIR UNFORTUNATELY NAMED GRANDSON BY *THEIR* NICKNAMES.

Just irks me, the entire thing- they refuse to treat their own son and grandchild like human beings and they continue to passive-aggressively (because they’d never come out and say shit to our faces, the cowards) throw these asshole barbs.

Poor R didn’t hear from anyone else in his own family- except for his WONDERFUL Italian Grandmother in Philadelphia. This woman is the ONLY human being in his immediate family that seems ‘normal’ and also seems to actually CARE about him and this child. Of course, his mother treats her almost as badly as she treats us (it’s HER mom). His Grandmom sent a lovely letter (she’s 82 and does so weekly, health allowing) and we called her. I send her photos of Maisie and videos and long letters all the time. I just love hearing from her. She commiserates with us as well, she doesn’t understand why R’s family acts like this, either. I feel so badly for her. No woman at her age should be so alone and isolated from her family. It’s not freaking natural. I understand her- she was raised by immigrants, as I was by my mom. I simply DO NOT COMPREHEND the level of cold and disconnected and passive-aggressive we witness in his folks.

My mom, who is Filipino, always got on well with Italians, too. I think they share a similarity in mindset to a great degree. Both cultures are super family oriented and clannish and opinionated. I can dig that.

Cold, quiet, reptilian communication styles don’t work with me. Hiding everything under a facade of utter BULLSHIT isn’t my thing, either.

So, yeah, this morning I felt like going postal until the party rolled around. The letter and the lovely phone call with Grandmom was also a salve to the soul.

I spent a good 3 or 4 hours talking to R and Jeff on the back porch. Jeff will be here an additional week because I need help with the baby after the procedures- then he’s back to Texas. We discussed the different ‘family styles’ we each grew up in.

In Jeff’s family- and they’re there are a ton of them- are close knit and from North Dakota. They drink together, hunt together, spend all their time together and get along well… all of them are big talkers. If someone in the family pisses off another, they will all chime in and ‘call bullshit’ to the one that’s at fault. No one really holds grudges or stays mad- they just discuss, argue, laugh, cry, and move on.

In R’s family, they never yell. They don’t discuss. His parents and sister’s family all live far away from the rest of their families back East. Things are whispered, told to be kept secret. When I met R, when he would talk to either of his parents, they would PRETEND HE WASN’T TALKING or in the room and just tune him out like he was invisible and talk to each other. It could be ANYTHING he was saying- like if he mentioned he’d done something that day or anything pedestrian like that. It was bizarre and I called them on it once in the car:

Me: “Um, hey, he was actually saying something to you and you guys did that weird thing again like he isn’t here”

Them: UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE

If he- or anyone- tries to discuss things with them, they simply hide/stop talking/ignore… or his dad will say “I did that first” to him or something equally strange.

That is, unless they’re drinking, then they’re much more social.

R has no memory of his childhood prior to age 12 when he moved to Michigan. When I had him see a therapist about it, his family became uncomfortable with this and he stopped going.

They are somewhat affluent, can afford nice vacations every month or so. They buy him cars and control his insurance, make sure all his mail and bills come to their house, and his mother does his taxes. They call him when they need him to work on something (like their houses) or fix things or dog sit. These people live 3 blocks away and are completely different with their oldest daughter and her family. They bought two houses next door to each other (and across the alley from their ‘original’ house) when she fell pregnant and fenced both yards in. They spend every day with her and do everything with her and for her and her kid.

R doesn’t say anything to them mostly, as Jeff puts it “they have him by the balls”. His mom is passive-aggressive enough that if he rocked the boat his mail would be lost, his insurance bill would rise, etc. I personally feel like he is too old to let Mommy control his finances, especially since he lives in MY HOUSE and is a grown man.

After Maisie was born, they asked for a copy of her birth certificate. I refused. They told him that they needed it to make a college fund. I called bullshit. Needless to say, they did not get a copy of my child’s birth certificate.

His mother has mentioned that she wanted to abort R when she became pregnant (and said this in the same pleasant, flat tone she always uses), but kept him because ‘her husband likes babies’… they have NO PROBLEMS saying this in front of him, either.

R says he doesn’t make a fuss because he knows it would do no good and he accepts their gifts because he knows that is all he will get from them, as far as love and attention. I cannot imagine how hurtful it is to grow up and live like a non-entity, a second class citizen in your own family- especially one so freaking small.

The mother and daughter don’t like making the other baby (who is 2 months older than Maisie) jealous. If the grandfather holds Maisie, he is told to put her down because the other baby is getting upset. That is no way to raise a child- but the perfect way to mindfuck one. The rest of the gory details can be found here.

When we went to visit his family 5 yrs ago in Philadelphia, we found that his mother’s mom was delightful and ‘normal’ and loving. His father’s family is much more “Yankee”. The aunt that the parents and sister are closest to is very regimented. The uncles and aunt they are not as close to seem much more ‘normal’, but he was told to stop communicating with them basically when we came home, as they didn’t like it. Incidentally, those siblings of his father are the ones they have the most problems with. The weird thing is that his parents don’t always COME OUT AND SAY things directly, they have this weird almost non-verbal way of making him do things and making him understand that shit should not be done for whatever reason… it is so subtle, so Vulcan mind-meld crap-pish.

We have never met his mother’s brothers, by the way- just the grandmother on her side.

My family is the POLAR OPPOSITE (yet, just as dysfunctional- well, maybe not so much, IDK) of R’s.
We’re social, gregarious, we love everyone. We fight within our clan. My mom can be a violent, scary, crazy bitch- but she’s not truly considered part of the whole clan, which has always been a problem for her. We all love her and have feared and loathed her at the same time. Her bipolar has really done a number on us… but her good side is amazingly good. Her dementia now is somewhat of a blessing, as she is less violent nowadays, thank god.

I am not going to lie. When we were growing up she physically abused us above and beyond anything normal and legal. In this day and age, she would be put in jail and the kids would have been taken away- but it didn’t happen. Of course, in this day and age there are meds for her condition that might have made a huge difference- but it’s too late to speculate and all water under the bridge now. Back in the day, her condition and behavior were things to hush up and hide. Nowadays, people have meds for this. Sometimes I think we were born too early. She would have been a perfect candidate for those new medications- she didn’t self-medicate with drugs nor alcohol and always trusted the pills the doctors gave her.

My father’s family is made up of brilliant, beautiful, intelligent, and strong willed artistic women… and kind of depressive, more laid back males, who also are very charming, good looking, and self-effacing. There’s a lot of enabling going on in my family, but we love and hate to be together. We party together well, but if ONE PERSON (always a female) loses her shit on another family member- that member is ostracized. It used to be my mom- or one of my aunts- and nowadays, me, coz I can’t/don’t know how to shut the eff up. We all love each other and are super self-centered (at least us females). We keep the peace (well, not me. I’m the one who just says- fuck all of you, and goes and cries in the corner- and I’m a wussie because my ‘fuck all of you’ is usually only done by typing blogs) by AVOIDANCE. Avoidance and pretending shit away… unless it’s not a ‘family’ matter, then we can psycho-analyze the fuck out of OTHER PEOPLE (as I am doing now ha!)

I have another faction of my family- my maternal grandmother’s family. They’ve taken me in where my own immediate aunts and uncles have rather shunned me (which I don’t mind anymore about my aunts, I love them- but all of us together, when someone is pissed- are a high strung lot- or, I am high strung and also exhausted at the same time). It’s kinda like the Amish shunning, except with more glitz, no religion, and it’s Rumspringa all the time.

My grandmother’s family is wonderful. Unashamedly hillbilly, outspoken, down to earth/salt of the earth people. If you piss them off, someone will call you on your shit ASAP. They are more accepting, more stubborn than any of the above families at the same freaking time. I am comfortable with them. I get their humor. I love their generosity, I love how they fight, I love their bitchery, too. It’s like they’re a mix of my mother’s crazy but with a gentler and more forthright kindness that reminds me of Jeff’s clan. R loves them, too- even though he’s been pissing them off lately (and he’s pissed me off, too, so I get it). He just has no idea how to show it at all. I think HONEST is the word that comes to mind mostly when I think of them- honest- warts and all.

I love that.

Now, here’s the thing: I APPRECIATE and LOVE my family (all of them- mother/dad’s side/grandmother’s side more now that I’ve experienced R’s family dynamic.

Holy SHIT, we ALL bitch and moan about our fights and ‘who did what to whom’ and I can admit to violent behavior both done TO me and BY me/others- but damn, none of it seems as heart wrenching as R’s upbringing.

The one core thing my family(families) have is a deep and demonstrative kiss you on yer mouth type LOVE.

I don’t care how much lying we do to ourselves. I don’t care how much ostracizing and bitching that happens- we’ve NEVER HAD THIS COLD, EMOTIONLESS wasteland that he’s endured.

Not so in his family- which irks me, scares me for my own child, and makes me weep for R.

For this reason, I think I’ve been kind of obsessed about the little hurts I witness coming from his side.

For this reason, I am more ADAMANT about sticking to my guns and protecting my child and him from more of this shit.

I wish I would have been a better mother to my sons. I wish I would have been a better daughter/niece/aunt/cousin/wife to the rest of my family. I wasn’t.

But ONE thing I know: NEVER in my life have I ever done the things to my kids or others that have been done to R.

I also want a better life, a better family, a better chance at decent mental health for Maisie.

I do not believe I can do that by exposing her to his side of the family. I don’t care if they have thousands of dollars (they say) put into a college fund. I don’t care if they buy her a zillion gifts. NONE OF THIS MEANS ANYTHING without love and compassion and normalcy and stability. None of this means anything without consistency.

I will gladly welcome his Grandmom into our lives- she reciprocates and genuinely cares- and is 82 and has not many years left, unfortunately.

I won’t FORCE my child on them, I won’t run after them- nor will I let R use Maisie as a way of somehow gaining their love. It won’t work and my kid is not a pawn.

I also appreciate the friends and strangers on my Facebook (and blog/twitter/instagram) who are kind and showed so much love to my daughter on her birthday… and any day.

You people- most of you haven’t even MET HER- have been kinder to my child than her own flesh and blood.

That is not something I will soon forget.

Thank you for listening, for reading, for replying, for being an ear… xxoo

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My First Vlog: HUGE THANK YOU to those who supported me these last few days…

I’ve never done this before, so… thank you all. Really.

I just figured out that I could record video on my new macbook pro.

Thank you for reading my blog and the problems with my family re depression, lupus, bipolar, and dementia

What happened: http://bit.ly/1IS8ZG7

About Lupus: http://bit.ly/1g41yVx

On Why I Overshare: http://bit.ly/1LdBgIW

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This Blog Saved Me & Social Isolation- Also, WHY I Overshare…

Today I spent the entire day in bed- something I don’t remember doing (except when I did bedrest during pregnancy) in EONS. The stress of the last day caused a massive and sudden flare up of my lupus, which is never fun.

I am SO glad that I had the luxury of doing this- and had people to help watch baby while I did.

I slept, mostly. I had nightmares- so many! A few of them involved my parents, but the details are faded.

I needed this. It helped. The rest was lovely.

The evening was spent playing with my new ‘toy’, the iPhone 6- and the Periscope app, which is a live streaming vlog thing from your phone. Sam showed me it this morning. It was a lot of fun and gave me something to take my mind off of my troubles.

I know a lot of people wonder why I am so transparent with me life.

I grew up in a household where we were ashamed to admit to things- or hid things- or whatever. Not always, but oftentimes. I refuse to do this now. If I don’t have the courage to speak up, who will? If I can inspire even one other person going through tough times (alone in their heads or otherwise), I feel like I will be doing my job.

Living in fear, in shame, in secrecy is not good at all, not ever. I overshare because I have to. If I don’t, the feelings and thoughts and memories inside of me threaten to eat away at my soul. I have to force myself to be honest with myself- and I can only seem to do this with the written word… as poorly written/edited as it may be.

Also, I am ‘landlocked’ in a house with a baby and males who aren’t the best conversationalists- this blog SAVED ME. I started this on the 1st of July of this year when my back went out again and have been pretty much faithful about posting ever since. I have a wee bit of social anxiety as well, which can translate to agoraphobia at times. If I don’t feel I look good, I don’t want people to see me-type-thing. Spending years in front of a camera and having to be photographed is often a shitty thing for the ego as one ages, believe me. It’s shallow and stupid, but it happens- it’s happened to me.

Though I have a TON of friends on my Facebook and Instagram, I really don’t in real life. People come to visit, they come to my dinner parties, they ask for readings… but I never seem to ‘connect’ fully. I also don’t know how to give my own problems a voice in Real Time. I feel guilt to even admit to them. Sure, I can bitch and moan like the best of ’em, but I have been so used to being the ‘ear’ to others, I can’t be vulnerable in person. It’s like I have an armor around me that is made of smiles and jokes and laughter- or anger. I try to avoid drama at all costs nowadays, even if I sometimes lose my goddamned mind and instigate it within my own family because I get sick of the same dynamic.

Our voices are formed within the familial unit(s). If we feel we don’t have a voice, or our opinions/thoughts don’t matter- this can be as bad as physical abuse. It can, like it has with me, translate into a lifetime of defensive hurt.

Writing it out is a solitary thing. There is no pressure. I can see what I think. I can read what I think. I can understand the whys of who I am. It’s non-sexual mental masturbation at it’s finest, really.

I talked to a friend in real life recently who says that she NEEDS people and has a problem being alone. I have none of that. I’ve always felt alone, even in crowds. I understand her, though.

Today, when I was going through one of the toughest times in recent history emotionally- not ONE SINGLE ‘CLOSE’ FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER REACHED OUT, at least no one I know in real time. The ones who did were folks I’d never met before, people from the Internet or FB or what have you and THIS HELPED ME SO MUCH. For the first time in years, I NEEDED to be ‘talked off the ledge’ and I am so grateful for those few kind words from virtual strangers.

I don’t habitually HAVE issues like these, so people are not used to me ‘venting’ per se. Maybe that’s it. I don’t know.
I just know that it hurts not to be able to have anyone to talk to in real life. It hurts to watch my children be depressed, too, and not be able to do anything about it. I cannot easily speak to my older sons, they’re men and have their own support systems.

When I posted the blog of the things that happened to my FB wall, for the most part it was met with UTTER SILENCE. I had one person whom I knew that was kind enough to speak up, but that was it.

I scrolled through my own FB feed and saw others venting about their own problems- and, as I usually am prone to do, I left messages and comments.

I hate seeing other people hurt. I hate hurting emotionally, too. It makes me sad that my ‘real life’ is the most unreal when it gets down to the brass tacks. It makes me sad that only the strangers and friends I never met were there for me.

So, yeah… this blog saved me. If I cannot talk to another human being, at least I have the comfort of knowing that I can talk to myself.

I have people coming to me, asking for readings all the time. I understand that they NEED me. I understand that they need someone to help sort out their problems. I have, for the most part, refused to do any readings (I am a professional psychic, btw) since becoming pregnant with Maisie. My job takes a lot out of me. I absorb too much. I want to be able to reserve my energy for my child/children/parents right now, because they NEED me.

My biggest question is: Where do I go when I need someone to talk to?

This blog is really the only answer. I can feel sorry for myself here and ‘let it go’.

I DID, however, have ONE PERSON call me and ask about the incident with my mother. It was my 2nd oldest sister.
She reprimanded me and yelled at me for not ‘standing up to my mom’- not realizing that our mother has dementia now and it really would not do a damned bit of good to go off her. It would just make it worse. My mother now TRULY has no control over her rages. At one time, when it was ‘just’ the bipolar, she should have been accountable.

It’s far too late now.

I can’t change anyone. I can only try to change myself… and ramble and type on until my fingers hurt and I am able to get this all spewed out so it no longer lives inside of my head.

Social isolation blows. Being frozen within yourself, ditto. I love my blog, though. I love that I have a voice, even if nobody reads/hears it. I love that I can remove the clutter from my brain and brush myself off and go on with my life.