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Mourning the impending death of my uterus

 

Not only am I creepily naked and sobbing in the above photos, I am also disgustingly smearing my lipstick, so that it symbolizes the last period I will ever have in my life.

A lot of women hate their periods. I really didn’t until the periods became unbearable. Going into the crone phase, even if it is partial, scares the shit out of me.

Pretty emo for someone of a half-century, I will admit. It’s my crotch party and I’ll cry if I want to…

While my first inclination, as always, is to make snarky jokes about the robots coming for my lady parts tomorrow- I can’t stop crying.

Words fail me.

The fact that I’m having essential organs- parts that are meaningless and useless now- that somehow DEFINED THIS MEAT SUIT for me- removed permanently really is messing with my brain right now.

If I leaned more towards the esoteric, I could just say this is all illusory… this body, this gender, this glove we wear.

I can’t fucking do it. I am grieving, mourning- an anxiety ridden mess.

All the worst case scenarios run through my head:

What if I die on the table?  What if I am that small percentage that has cancer and it causes it to spread?

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/02/18/hysterectomy-laparoscopic-morcellation-amy-reed/5347093/

Luckily, now very few hospitals combine DaVinci robotic surgery with morcellation:

https://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/showthread.php?t=588404

The entire thing is usually pulled out of the vagina, presumably after the robotic bits sever the organs from their places.

Still, fucking scary.

My friends and family who have gone through this say it’s a piece of cake- I will no longer be in constant pain, I will love it, etc.

As a consolation prize, they will take my fallopian tubes and keep my ovaries- as long as I agree to ultrasounds every 6 months to monitor the cysts. This means I can go into eventual natural menopause and not instant menopause, as I have Factor V Leiden and can never use hormone replacement.

Also, what makes us female? Is it biological, is it physical, is it a dangly bit of spongy flesh in our innards- is it a hardwiring of of hypothalamus? Is it a spiritual choice made prior to incarnating?

WTF IS it?! Do I become some gender fluid, non-pronoun using being after this?

I don’t know why I am so hysterical right now- I just know that I am.

I know I won’t cease to be ME, who or whatever that may be (unless I die, of course).

I surely didn’t freak out like this when they took my gallbladder almost 2 decades ago.

I’m just scared, I guess. Scared shitless.

My stomach is fat, like a woman 4-5 months pregnant- the adenomyosis has me swollen like a tick on a dog.

I feel miserable. This procedure is supposed to make it all better.

I hope it does.

Losing pieces of ourselves, I wonder if zombies feel the same way, if they were real and could think.

“Oh, shit, my whole crotch just fell out… need more brains…”

Yeah, I need more brains.

0

Frauds & Old Broads

I’m too old for this bullshit”

At least that’s what I say

While muttering under my breath

Judging the other old broad

Who is simply clinging to dreams

Long since shattered by genes

and drugs

and other people’s opinions…

“I am too old for this bullshit”

I keep telling myself these lies

While I, too, am just as insecure

Aging not as fast as the other bird

But clinging fast to a pipedream

Fostered by hard work

and artifice

and expensive fucking fillers…

“We are both frauds, you and I”

I will say I’m almost 50

while I pop my heart meds

and stare at my smooth face

in the mirror

made deceptively young

while my insides rot away

like everybody else’s…

“We are both frauds, you and I”

Hiding your real birthday

popping your pills

photoshopping your wrinkles

in photos

made deceptively young

while your soul rots away

with your own delusions…

———————————————–

But the biggest truth this old bitch can spew:
I am still glad I am nothing quite like you

That, too, is fraudulent,

we’re both the same

The only difference

Lies in our pain.

1

The Heinous Cost of Private Health Care Insurance In America (Rant)

I pay $2000 USD PER MONTH, OUT OF MY OWN POCKET for health care insurance. I pay more for this ‘premium’ healthcare than I do for my house mortgage. Even with this exorbitant rate, it still doesn’t cover everything. I still have out of pocket deductibles to meet, etc.

On top of this, I pay a concierge fee to my primary care physician, as her office is sick of dealing with the insurance companies and their regulations- so add a few hundred bucks per month to that-

It is a scary, ridiculous, and sad reality in America.

Still, I’d expect decent care from my doctors with the money I am shelling out. Unfortunately, this hasn’t always been the case, in my experience.

I’ve had to fight tooth and nail- with the doctors, the insurance companies- to advocate for myself. I am so glad that I did, in retrospect.

I know a lot of Americans equate ‘socialized medicine’ and ‘free healthcare to all’ with the Cold War and Red Scare- believing that if they received affordable care, our country would plunge into a communist society reminiscent of the Hunger Games movies.

As a person who has lived abroad half of her adult life in countries with socialized medicine I can absolutely tell you that this isn’t the case.

It is FUCKING HEINOUS that we all have to go bankrupt for the US insurance companies.

I don’t understand why Americans think it is acceptable to pay more than their mortgages for the most rudimentary of health care insurance.

Our middle class is eroding. People are dying because they are scared to go to the doctor and/or can’t afford to.


1

Soooo… the ‘actress’ called today- and later, I find out that she retained a Gap Sales Lady as her FB lawyer PLUS UPDATE: SHE USED A STOCK PHOTO-

UPDATE: HER ‘GAP LAWYER’ WAS A STOCK PHOTO- NICE TRY. SHE USED A ROYALTY FREE STOCK PHOTO TO THREATEN ME THIS TIME.

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Saw an UNKNOWN call come in on the phone. It was the actress.

We recorded it all.

Basically, the summary:

I had to tell her that it was less about credits & more about the actual THREATS:

ONE SIMPLY DOES NOT HAVE strangers call and threaten to fly to Amereeeeeca and attack someone/their family.

She simpered “Why did you write that?”

Me: “We NEVER have strangers call others & threaten to attack them in their homes”

S: “WHY DID YOU WRITE THIS, WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?”

Me: “Please re-read manuscript”

LATER, I receive THIS email:

She is now having sales ladies from the Gap attack & serve me with legalese.

Things must be mighty bad in the movie industry if her legal representation works in retail.

Since I saved and screenshot-ted everything she wrote- and video’d all the calls, with witnesses in the room, go ahead. Send you legal reps from Dollar Tree next.

Also, though I am not one to talk, Tilly ought to use spellcheck.

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A Funny and A Sad Blurb From My Mom…

Went to visit my mom today at the mental health facility.

Her dementia is far more evident now that her bipolar and aggression are under control, and it is sad to realize how much she’s losing. She clutches a piece of paper with my number and my dad’s in her hand all day long.

She was happy to see us- Maisie gave her hugs and kisses. Maisie was allowed in as long as a nurse was there to supervise.

My mom’s odd, frontal temporal lobe, filter lacking sense of humor shone through when I filled her in about the dodgy assisted living home owner guy. I mentioned to her that he’d been insistent that she needed to divorce my dad.

Mom: “What did he say?!”

Me: “He said you needed to divorce dad, he was insisting and asking when this would happen”

Mom: “I don’t remember spending time with him, did I give him a blowjob or something? Why is he asking this??! I don’t remember giving him a blowjob…”

She laughed and then said “Get me out of there, I don’t like that”

A few minutes later, with a straight face, she said:

“You need to tell your dad I want a divorce”… and she was back in her sad dementia loop again.

We could only visit for an hour, as visitation is 7:30-8:30 pm only.

When I got home, she called crying, saying we left too early. She read the sign, then saw the clock and realized we left at the right time.

She was both funny and heartbreaking tonight.

I have a sick pit in my stomach.

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Court or No Court? Consent or No Consent? Panic Attack or No Panic Attack? PLUS UPDATE and VLOG

Trying not to have a panic attack right now… woke up to a call from the social worker at the psych ward my mother is currently in. Apparently, she can’t tell me much, due to some confusion as to whether or not my mother has given consent to release information.

HIPAA law is an asshole, in my opinion, at this very moment.

I am her POA (Power of Attorney). I’ve been having her ‘flag down’ a nurse every time I talk to her to give VERBAL CONSENT on the telephone since she’s been in this facility.

We did not have this type of runaround at Pine Rest, so it is very frustrating.

Things my mom’s current social worker DID/was able to tell me:

1. No, my parents aren’t compelled to divorce as per the group home owner’s questioning.

2. She is compiling a list of ‘safer’ homes that would be (in their mind) a better fit. AFC homes aren’t locked facilities. The doctor recommends a locked facility right now, as she is not stable on meds.

3. When I asked about the paper I received last night re: the mental health court hearing on the 6th, I was told that I should contact the court house- specifically a person in the probate court that the hospital itself deals with.

Apparently, there may not even BE a court hearing that day, as she was given 3 options and one was to waive the hearing- which would mean she would be agreeing to treatment.

UPDATE:

Left a message with the guy the social worker directed me to and received a call back. He confirmed that my mother had indeed met with her court-appointed lawyer the other day and signed a waiver agreeing to comply with medical treatment… when I asked if this means I should still pursue the guardianship or not, I was told to absolutely do so.

Now I have to go to visitation tonight and have her sign a written consent form to allow these people to talk to me.

I am really anxious about this, all of it.

Pursuing guardianship is a lot of work and a lot of responsibility. I do already make almost all of the health decisions and do the legwork for my parents, but not in any official sort of capacity. My sisters don’t want the responsibility- they live far away and are very ill themselves.

Leaving guardianship up to a stranger would be unhumane and irresponsible, in my opinion.

I am going to vlog the rest. This is too much too type for me this early in the morning.