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PANIC ATTACK: So, I get a call from my family wanting to go out like nothing happened…

So, I just get a call from my parents and the sister who yelled at me for ‘not sticking up for myself’ with my mom a minute ago. They wanted to meet me at some restaurant like nothing happened.

I instantly went into a panic attack. I can’t do this. I won’t do this. I don’t want to see them.

I was just finally recovering from this lupus flare, had stopped crying for the first time in days.

I need to be left alone. My memory isn’t as faulty as theirs. I cannot breathe when I think of this shit.

Their stance will be ‘oh, don’t make such a BIG DEAL ABOUT IT’.

They don’t understand that my body needs rest. I am not a mindless machine. I am burned out.

$5 dollars says they show up on my porch today, anyway.

Jeff says they were here earlier this morning before I woke up, but went to an antiques market.

I don’t want to cook, entertain, serve coffee, sit on the porch listening to my mother alternately berate me and praise the baby. I KNOW that she is ill. I know that she likely may or may not remember what happened 2 days ago.

FUCK that.

I need to decompress.

I am laying in bed with the baby, trying to get her down for a nap. R has gone to work, the rest are out shopping- and the house had been blissfully quiet (except for the sounds of BabyFirstTV blaring in the background for Maisie).

To top that all off, my back went into spasms again. Valium time. I hate medication.

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I was in the hospital all yesterday evening

my 2nd IV, after they blew out a vein in my arm

my 2nd IV, after they blew out a vein in my arm

My father had cataract surgery yesterday morning and I went with Maisie and my mother to bring him there.

Out of the blue, I felt a sharp pain in my right shoulder blade. It worsened as time wore on, eventually my entire right hand was also numb.

Later that afternoon I called my doctor and was going to come in to see her.

About an hour after calling her, my LEFT arm/hand started to feel numb and breathing became difficult.

Since I have Lupus (a genetic autoimmune disorder) and Factor V Leiden (another genetic thick blood clotting issue), I called the doc again and she told me to get to the ER.

“Better safe than dead” were her words.

Not wanting to worry my father, who was recovering from surgery at my house, I simply asked him if he could watch Maisie while I ran quickly to see my doctor.

While I drove myself to the Emergency Room, the pain became nearly unbearable. I worried I was going to pass out before getting there. Luckily, I made it with no problems.

They did an EKG immediately, gave me an injection of some pain med that starts with a PH or F, then took tests to check for blood clots, did X-rays. The initial pain med did little more than make me dizzy, so eventually they gave me morphine. THAT barely worked, so I ended up with an injection of valium as well.

My blood clotting test came back too high, which scared the crap out of me, so they whisked me down the hall for an angio CT scan. While pumping the contrast dye through the crook of my arm, I felt a sharp pain.

Yay! They blew my vein.

I was sent back to my room and had to take ANOTHER blood test to check for heart attack. During the analysis, the machine breaks down.

Double yay!

Eventually I was discharged- they believe I have ANOTHER herniated disc in my spine.

My child is the destroyer of spines- I am convinced.

I was given a prescription for valium and instructions to call my doctor.

Now I have an appointment tomorrow at 10 am and I can do very little but lay in bed.

I had a lovely hour long massage today, which helped so much.